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The bigger the conflict...
the slower your roll
Slow your roll. Its a favorite image for conflict resolution. When there's a big conflict, sometimes your first instinct is to act quickly.
Nip it in the bud. Cut to the chase. 1,2,3 and done.
Yes, if the issue is about safety or about a quick correction then quicker might be effective. If the conflict, though, is big and important; slower is better. There should be a correlation between the bigness of the conflict and slowness of your actions. Don't just roll along without careful consideration. Slow your roll.
Why slow?
We've mentioned in previous articles about aspects of conflict resolution that point to the need to reduce your speed. The need to remove your assumptions and consider the other person's perspective. The way the limbic/feeling part of the brain overtakes the cognitive and logical brain. The need to listen more carefully, The reality is, we will make more considered moves that have more chance of a better outcome if we slow things down.
Catch yourself before you can't
Like the rock on the incline, at some point if you can't slow or stop the speed of the conflict, your actions might make the conflict worse. And like the rock rolling down the hill, the effect of gravity and momentum will be hard to stop.
Some tips for slowing it down
What can you do if you are trying to learn to take it slower when a conflict arises? Here's a few ideas that might be helpful. Figure out what works for you.
- Take your time and think about the conflict and all its aspects. Use a conflict analysis tool.
- Go to the balcony--either metaphoric or real--and look down on the situation to see it from above.
- Sleep on it.
- Breathe in for 5 slow counts, breathe out for 8. This is a tried and true method that helps to clear your mind. When things get bad, we often forget to breathe. Oxygen helps.
- Count to 10 or 20 or 100. For some just the process of taking this brief break can be effective.
- Walk away, take a walk to clear your head and move your body.
- Write it out. What is happening in the conflict? Put the words on paper. The writing process uses other brain centers and can open a new perspective.
- Talk to someone trusted. Define the conflict and ask them to help you come up with a few ideas.
- Walk in the other person's shoes. Take a moment to try to talk about the conflict from the other person's point of view.
Here's a mnemonic to help from the article below:
- Setting a positive and collaborative tone
- Listening and acknowledging feelings, emotions, and experiences
- Observing and organizing from an outside perspective
- Working to find a creative, win-‐win solution
If you forget everything else, this is one to remember. If you have a big conflict, slow things way, way down. Slow your roll.
Do this:
- Watch a video. Remember Gilda Radner's Emily Litella? If too young, here's a clip of someone who does the opposite of slowing things down- Never mind
- Watch another video. This is William Ury, world renown conflict resolution and negotiation specialist with lots of ideas including Go to the Balcony.
If you missed Day 1, 2 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, 10 and 11 here they are:
Have a great weekend--or the rest of the weekend, this is going out late.
Looks like we will be at this sheltering in place for a while, hope you can forward this to someone who might find it helpful.
Sara
