Conflict Styles
are learned
Five Conflict Styles
The five conflict styles,
Avoid, Accommodate, Compete, Compromise, Collaborate
describe most approaches to conflict. Where do these approaches come from? They are learned.
During conflict resolution courses, we put people together in small groups. "What did you learn in your home before you were five about how conflict is resolved?" Everyone gets time to talk and consider their memories. The next question: "How about in school in your first years?" Then: "Talk about conflict in your first love relationship." And: "Talk about conflict lessons from the workplace." Our conflict resolution lives are built upon the stacked up lessons from our lived culture and current events.
Family models for conflict styles
By reviewing these experiences, individuals can develop an understanding of where they have picked up messages about conflict. As in most core concepts, the family is the strongest teacher. "My mother avoided all conflict, in fact from her point of view, there were no conflicts." This quote comes from a workshop participant who was considering why she feels so uncomfortable acknowledging any conflict. Another person in the workshop recounts how she was taught to compete and be aggressive when conflict develops. "My grandfather always told me, don't swing first, but make sure you are the last one to land a blow and make sure you win." A first generation citizen from an immigrant family recounts, "I realized my family was so fearful, they put up with everything and never tried to advance their own cause."
Workplace conflict
For many, the workplace is not a location where positive approaches to conflict are modeled. We have bosses who don't collaborate or colleagues who utilize unsuccessful conflict styles. At work, where many of us spend most of our waking hours, these approaches become solidified in the organizational culture. The conflict elephant grows and takes up more space, negatively affecting the lives of all those in the workplace.
What has been learned can be revised
The good news is that we can all learn new ways to resolve conflict. And as we work to collaborate with others in order to come to agreement, to compromise in a healthy way, to use our creative problem solving process; we help to model for others a better way. At home, our children will learn better methods for conflict resolution than the ones we adopted by default.
Do this
:
- Look at the chart again. Which style did you learn at home? As a young adult? As an adult? From whom did you see these styles modeled?
- Look for models of compromise and collaboration/creative problem solving. Keep a chart of where you see these models throughout your life. Find good models to study.
- Set a goal for yourself with regard to your conflict style. Try a new style. Tell someone close to you that you are going to try a new way, see if they can work with you to do this.
