Core Conflict Resolution Concepts
You can't change anyone but yourself
Trying to change other people
After decades of work in the conflict resolution world, there's something that happens quite often. Let's set up the scenario. An individual takes a conflict resolution class. They learn about an approach to conflict and begin to use the approach. Try their best. And here's what their feedback sounds like:
- I tried that approach. It doesn't work. My husband was supposed to do_______( fill in the blank)____. Instead he did _____(the opposite of what I thought/wanted/was trying to get him to do)_____. This conflict resolution stuff doesn't work!
Conflict resolution techniques are not manipulation or coercion. In fact they are the opposite. When we try a new approach such as; question construction or a focus on detecting interests underneath positions or better listening techniques we are not working on the other person. We are working on ourselves. Building our tool box. Expanding our repetoire. Taking responsibility for our own part in the conflict.
You can't change anyone but yourself
.
We've all tried. It doesn't work. This is the exciting and interesting part of human life. We never know what another person is going to do. We plan and strategize and outline. And then the other person does something unexpected. People are always unpredictable. That's life.
In conflict resolution work, we are creating a reservoir of tools and techniques for the individual to use. For themselves. To be a better conflict resolver. To make the conflicts in our lives go more smoothly and work toward mutually satisfying resolution. What others do will impact us, and then we move on to plan B or C etc, etc. Try different tools and techniques. At the end of the day, we can only control our own actions and try to hone our own skills.
Corona Virus and taking our own personal responsibility
Have you ever thought to yourself:
If everyone would just do things just the way I think they should, the world would be a better place?
I have. This recent crisis is a monumental test of all of our abilities to cope, adjust, learn and survive. And putting up with other people who are doing what we think they shouldn't is a major challenge.
So this is a perfect time to practice the thought process:
I can't change anyone but myself
. Is everyone else not taking things seriously? Use your best conflict resolution listening techniques to understand what they are thinking about. Are people not staying six feet apart? Take responsibility for yourself, you yourself stay six feet away. Are you confronting the inevitable challenges of conflicts that arise from self-quarantine? Focus on what you can do based on conflict resolution best practices.
Put on your own mask before assisting others
We all know this metaphoric admonition on the airplane.
In the event of a loss of oxygen...adjust your own mask before attempting to assist others.
Now is the time to work on what will help you. Take ten minutes to quietly meditate. Do internet research on active listening techniques. Watch TED talks on building cooperative problem solving. Garden. Sleep. Write. Reach out.
Our organization has had to adjust. We are continuing to provide services by video or telephone conferences. Social service agencies are available remotely. Seek the support you need. Call our office or send an email if you think we can help. We are all in this together.
Do this
:
- If you find yourself focusing on what someone else is doing that you don't like, shift your focus. Check yourself: Can I try a new way of looking at this? What do I want to know about the other person? Am I doing something that I can adjust?
- Here's a tried and true technique to change your focus. You've got a small conflict. On a piece of paper make two columns. In the first column, write down 10 things the other person is doing that bother you--try to get to 10 or as many as you can think of. Then in the column next to each item, write down at least one thing you can do to make things better. Focus on what you can do, not what you want the other person to do.
If you missed Day 1, 2, 3 or 4, here they are:
Have a great weekend. We will be back on Monday. Get out in nature if you can. The sun is shining, or it will! - Sara
