The Conflict Matrix
There are five main styles of conflict. Some are more effective than others. For those who feel uncomfortable with spending time handling conflict, its time to consider other methods of conflict resolution.
Many people use the
AVOID
conflict resolution style. They think its the safest option. When there is a major power imbalance between disputants or if there is not time or energy, avoiding dealing with the issue might make sense. The problem is, the conflict doesn't go away. Over time it gets worse. The ostrich with its head in the sand doesn't accomplish much except to hide from the problem.
We all know a
COMPETITIVE
conflict resolver. They want to win, the conflict is a battlefield and they are planning to win and you are going to lose. People who compete when there is a conflict don't accomplish much except to dominate the other person. This causes resentment and misses out on the ideas of the other person. Taken too far this can become a bullying scenario, driven by a need for power. Not a great way to truly resolve a conflict.
The flip side is the
ACCOMMODATE
conflict resolver who gives in to the other person and does not assert their own ideas and needs. Someone who always accommodates others is the person who is not being heard and considered. This style, overused, is going to lead to low self esteem on the part of the accommodating person--and a pattern of not truly communicating with the other person.
Our work is about moving conflict away from the outer frame in order to build experience with conflict as a positive process--moving toward well-discussed and agreed-to
COMPROMISE
and
COLLABORATION.
When people
compromise
, and if the outcome results from a fully developed conflict resolution process, its an improvement compared to the first three styles listed above. Everyone loses a bit and everyone wins a little. At its best, the process will help to build the relationship and both people can appreciate learning about each other.
If the disputants have the time and can listen to each other, the strongest and most equitable is the
collaborating
style. Applying this approach means the disputants remove the shame and blame from their thinking, define the conflict together, put the topic in the middle of the table and work together to come up with a creative solution. They ask each other:
Why do you want what you want?
and
Can we think of another way?
They work together on the conflict as a project, using creative thinking in order to move toward a Win-Win outcome.
Do this
: Spend some time thinking about the Conflict Styles with this matrix available as a reference. Do you see these styles in evidence? How often do you see each of the five styles? Which do you use and when and why?
Try using Creative Problem Solving/Collaborating. Pick a really low level conflict. Try to work together with the other person to come up with a new and interesting way to resolve the conflict. Be creative together.
Consider the connection between having a positive attitude toward conflicts and the ability and willingness to think creatively.
