Underlying Needs and Conflict






Human needs drive conflict
Our lives are made up of the drive to satisfy needs. From the human need for food, water and sleep to the need for fulfilling relationships and the need for meaningful work, we can trace our life history through the process of meeting our needs.

Does having needs mean I'm needy?
The language plays tricks on us in this case. Being needy has come to mean that we aren't self sufficient and it has a bad connotation. That's different than what we do all day, every day for 24 hours a day. We satisfy our needs.

Need for Connection --I'll call my sister. Need to quench my Thirst --get a drink of water. Need for Security -check that I locked the car door. Need for increased Comfort --Turn up the heat. Need for Rest --go to sleep. All those bold words above are needs. We are so used to how the day goes, we don't really notice them, but they are there.

Not just you, everyone else.
Its enough for most of us to just get through the day and strive to meet our own needs. Yet, right alongside all of us are other people in our lives and with whom we interact who are doing the exact same thing. Working to satisfy their own needs. And although we are all human and have similar needs, they don't always intersect gracefully. By you working to meet your own needs, you are impacting on my ability to meet my needs. So we have conflicts.

Look through the needs lens
It's helpful to start to think about the actions of others in terms of meeting needs. Just making use of this lens helps to open up a whole new way of seeing what others are doing--especially when they are in conflict with our own way of thinking. Here's the way to use this lens.

  • The other person is doing/has done something with which I am in conflict (fill in the blank)______________
  • What's my need?____________
  • What do I think is the other person's need?____________.

Needs are not good or bad
This process doesn't work if you are going to then allow yourself to negatively judge other's needs. Needs just are needs. They aren't good or bad. Sometimes what seems like one need on the surface ends up being an underlying need that is something entirely different, and if we get up close and learn more about the other person, they are just trying the best they can to meet their own needs.

In the 1940s Maslow came up with the idea of the Hierarchy of Needs, meaning that there are some basic foundational needs and other levels that layer on top of those. Maslow thought it was a step by step process, but since then we have seen it can be much more random than that. See the image below for the basic idea of this.

Present public health crisis
Our needs quickly shifted a few weeks ago. We may have been seeking to meet our need for self-fulfillment and enlightenment and then with a swiftness we never expected, our needs today are more focused on the basics of food and safety. This moment is difficult for everyone and our coping skills are being put to the test. It may be a good environment for becoming more aware of the concepts of needs--your own and others.

Do this:

  • Start to walk through your days using the needs lens. Here's a list of needs--many more than you likely thought of. Big list of needs.

  • Read this short article reviewing the connection between needs and conflict. Underlying needs