• In this Hidden Brain episode “When Did Marriage Become So Hard?”, social psychologist Eli Finkel (author of The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work) and historian Stephanie Coontz (author of Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage) trace the evolution of marriage (i.e., its transition from an economic institution to a social contract of love) and the challenges inherent in the expectations of the modern model.

• Richard Reeves asks “Is marriage dying” in this Big Think YouTube presentation; his talk explores intriguing cultural changes in how marriage is approached based on the shifting dynamics of class, race, gender and economics.

• Esther Perel explores the changing institution of marriage and how “romanticism” has injected chaos and confusion into traditional notions of coupling and their corresponding gender roles, resulting in significant “dilemmas of modern love.”

• This TED-sponsored presentation on the history of marriage has garnered over 4 million views; a succinct history of the institution of marriage and its origins in human history highlights similar trends.

• Surprising data on marriage in the US indicate that the prominence and importance of marriage are trending downwards. 

• The “Unthought Known”: Christopher Bollas’ Revolutionary Psychoanalytic Concept and Its Contribution to Psychotherapy 

• Appearance, Shame, and Identity: The Work of Benjamin Kilborne and Its Implications for Psychotherapy

• The Psychology of Self-Sabotage: How Psychotherapy Fosters Positive Change

• Addressing Problems of Guilt in Psychotherapy: Insights from Donald Carveth’s Psychoanalytic Perspective

• “Knowing” and "Unknowing" Your Partner: How Couples Therapy Promotes Narrative Deconstruction

• Enhancing Emotional Intimacy in Couples: Connection, Vulnerability, and Communication



• The Dark Side of Emotional Intelligence

• The Exciting Object

The Men's Group Seminar: Terry Real’s Insights on Men, Patriarchy, Individualism, Intimacy and Self-Esteem

Real, a renowned relational therapist and author, offers unique insights into the complexities of intimacy, particularly concerning men. He emphasizes that societal norms and expectations often hinder men’s ability to form deep emotional connections. From a young age, men are taught to suppress their emotions, leading to difficulties in developing emotional intimacy.

Further, Real argues that men are often trapped in a cycle of disconnection, where they struggle to express vulnerability and seek emotional support. This cycle is perpetuated by societal constructs that equate masculinity with stoicism and independence. By challenging these constructs, men can begin to explore their emotional landscape and engage in more authentic, meaningful relationships. Real advocates for a shift in perspective, encouraging men to transcend traditional gender roles and embrace vulnerability and emotional expression.

In the next meeting of the Men’s Group Seminar on April 12, 2025 (10:15 to 11:30 AM), we will explore the following themes in Real’s work:

(1) Patriarchy imposes rigid expectations on both men and women, hindering their capacity to form genuine, intimate relationships.

(2) In modern society, individualism is often celebrated, emphasizing personal achievement and independence but also creating barriers to intimacy.

(3) By focusing on internal values and authentic self-expression, we can develop a more resilient and enduring sense of self-esteem.

(4) Real's notion of “relational living” emphasizes that our self-worth is not solely an internal construct but is significantly influenced by our interactions and relationships. 

To register for this upcoming seminar, please see the directions below.

The Relationship Group Seminar: Why We Are Drawn to the “Wrong” Partners: Insights from Terry Real and Harville Hendrix

Attraction is a complex phenomenon influenced by many factors, as is the ultimate choice of a partner. Our brains are wired to seek out partners who can offer the best potential for survival and reproduction, but this primal instinct is impacted by unconscious psychological factors more so than we would probably like to recognize. Since Freud’s notion of the “repetition compulsion,” it is likely that one’s relationship partner has been unconsciously selected to work out something from the past that has not yet been resolved. Unfortunately, this process usually results in having relationships which are high in conflict as the hopes and expectations one has in one’s partner are profoundly disappointed.

However, two modern relationship theorists, Terry Real and Harville Hendrix, argue that the unconscious factors looming over our choice of a partner are not necessarily dysfunctional or unhealthy. In fact, each suggests, from their own vantage point and perspective, that Freud’s repetition compulsion captures the reality of coupledom and highlights the dynamics that are ultimately necessary for closeness, intimacy, and growth. Real argues that we “all marry our unfinished business” and Hendrix suggests that the inherent incompatibility between partners defines “growth points” that were “atrophied” in each partner’s childhood.

In the next Relationship Seminar on April 12, 2025 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will explore how the choice of a partner, and the relationship dynamics that ensue, may be viewed through the lenses of Real and Hendrix. We will focus on Real’s opinion that many of us are drawn to partners who mirror the emotional availability of our caregivers, and consider his ideas regarding the assertion of needs in intimate relationships while avoiding power and control dynamics. Further, we will discuss Hendrix’s “Imago Relationship Theory” and his notion of how our partners “trigger” issues from the past that create opportunities for growth and wholeness. 

To register for this upcoming seminar, please see the directions below.

New Psychodynamic Psychotherapy Group Forming

This therapy group aims to help men and women explore their relationship challenges and life stressors. In the safe and supportive atmosphere of the group therapy format, members will utilize the dynamics between group members as a source of learning and discovery. The nature of the group will also encourage experiential risk-taking as a means for group members to challenge and perhaps overcome longstanding defensive strategies.

This is a therapeutic experience and entry into the group will occur only after a pre-group screening interview and preparation phase. Referrals are welcomed (please contact me at 949-338-4388 or at jt@jamestobinphd.com).