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Abbott Laboratories
The company takes pleasure in announcing its decision to initiate the distribution of a quarterly dividend. Shareholders express their satisfaction, yet voices within the company express concern that this action may deplete financial reserves, leaving insufficient funds for the development of any new treatments.
Our conjecture posits that the company shall persist in the distribution of dividends indefinitely.
We invite you to revisit this prediction in a century's time to ascertain its accuracy.
Nordisk Insulinlaboratorium
It is widely acknowledged that Nordisk successfully conducted the initial production of insulin in Europe last year. Numerous patients have embarked on treatment, and it is now affirmed that the efficacy of the product is comparable to that manufactured across the Atlantic.
With the affliction of diabetes seemingly vanquished, company scientists will now divert their endeavors towards developing treatments which facilitate mass gain among citizens, thereby averting the scourge of being underweight.
Hoffman-LaRoche
The company has recently extended its operations into Latvia, thereby establishing a foothold for later expansion into Russia itself. Given the aftermath of the Great War, it is unequivocally deemed an opportune location, as neighboring nations are unlikely to possess the resources to engage in conflict again, perhaps for-ever.
Hoffman-LaRoche harbors a keen interest in leveraging such a lucrative, open and accessible market as the Russian empire. Undoubtedly, bumper profits shall henceforth flow.
Mercky Pricing
Despite its dissection following the outbreak of hostilities between America and Germany, the rump E. Merck KG perseveres in offering an unparalleled array of products, sometimes to the detriment of consumers.
For instance, one cannot procure powdered mummy at a price lower than the 12 gold marks per pound E. Merck has established, for they have effectively monopolized the powdered mummy market, thus leaving customers with no alternative should they require the proven medicinal properties of ancient deceased individuals!
As such, we hold it of utmost importance that the powers that be step in to disentangle E. Merck KG from Egyptian Merck, thereby relieving citizens from undue burdens.
Dare one suggest the christening of this nascent Egyptian venture as Merckh? Or mayhap Merckhophagus, if brevity be not your fancy?
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