• In this Hidden Brain episode, psychologist Eranda Jayawickreme discusses the scientific examination of the assumption that we grow from adversity; the interview addresses resilience, “post-traumatic growth,” and the “growth illusion.”

• A psychologist explores the distinction between shame and guilt, and the relevance of each in our emotional development and moral conscience.

• Author of The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us, Ross Rosenberg explores “covert narcissism.”



• In this article from Time, an expert on anxiety describes how, ironically, anxiety may be helpful in our lives.

• On the rising prevalence of “toxic” bosses.

• The “false logic” trap among couples insidiously creates a narrative of your partner being the problem rather than you.



• A comprehensive review of “helicopter parenting” and its impact on child development. 

Please check out the library of available blog articles and podcast recordings.

• Robert Greene's The Laws of Human Nature



• Communication Styles

The Men's Group Seminar: On “Toxic Growth” and the Self-Improvement Culture

The contemporary cultural landscape is arguably narcissistic, i.e., fundamental aspects of the human condition (such as vulnerability, weakness, imperfection) are opposed and concealed by a value system that, instead, emphasizes success, power and strength. The self-help industry has capitalized on the social pressure not only to self-improve, but to self-improve radically. This has led numerous writers and social experts to identify a growing trend of “toxic growth” in which the desire to improve oneself can become obsessive and counter-productive. In his podcast episode “Toxic Growth: Why Needing Endless Growth Is Stopping You from Truly Living,” David Tian, Ph.D. suggests that the neurotic need for personal growth and self-improvement is often motivated by a “core insecurity”; while goals and effortful living are important, he argues that a balance between self-acceptance and self-improvement should ultimately be the focus. 

Others observe a rise in perfectionism, a close cousin to toxic growth. Maladaptive perfectionism is a personality trait that includes a profile of unrealistic expectations of oneself, fear of failure, and the compulsive drive to achieve. Marked by a triad of inflexibility, rumination, and overactivity, unhealthy perfectionism may take one of three distinct forms (self-oriented, other-oriented or socially prescribed) and is generally associated with negative impacts on one’s time management, relationships, and stress levels.   



In the next in-person meeting of the Men’s Group Seminar on Saturday, December 9, 2023 (10:15 to 11:30 AM), we will discuss how the drive to become better can evolve into obsessive self-improvement and unhealthy perfectionism. We will explore how boys and men are especially vulnerable to these issues given how, in masculine development, experiences of shame and self-scrutiny are so common and rarely processed, even in adulthood. Never feeling satisfied with who one is and the choices that have organized one's life is, unfortunately, a key feature of modern men’s psychology. We will consider pathways to stabilizing and bolstering self-esteem that avoid the self-improvement trap.     

To register for this upcoming seminar, please see the directions below.

The Relationship Group Seminar: The Conundrum

Many of the patients I work with struggle with what I consider to be a universal human dilemma: how can I truly be myself in relationship (with a person or institution) that requires, if not demands, I be something else? Stated another way, we are all searching to be fully accepted and understood, yet the reality is that to secure and maintain our relationships, aspects of ourselves must be curtailed, censored or concealed. Our original experience of this fact occurs at birth. Although the primary caregiver (most commonly, the biological mother) is highly attuned to her baby’s emotional and biological states and needs, the baby quickly becomes perhaps even more aware of the shifting moods and expectations of the mother. For the baby, recognizing and responding to the mother’s being, the very person he/she is dependent upon, is tantamount to survival. 

The original attachment bond sets a precedent for all future relationships across the lifespan, i.e., adapt to the implicit and explicit demands of the other so that the relationship can be garnered. This instinctual psychological urge to tailor and organize one’s identity into a persona has been the subject of significant philosophical and psychological theory, most of which centers on the emotional price one pays for hiding, defending against, or foreclosing upon aspects of oneself in order to be with another.

As I see it, most contemporary problems involve this basic conundrum: the relationships we cultivate paradoxically encourage and reinforce the development of particular personas rather than allow for, welcome, and even encourage the emergence of our “true” selves. The cultural atmosphere of narcissism and its reciprocal partner, codependence, poignantly demonstrates the rising prevalence of personality styles that are nothing more than personas designed to achieve interpersonal status at the expense of authentic self-expression.

In the next in-person meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, December 9, 2023 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will explore this conundrum and focus specifically on how it is manifested in romantic relationships. Is it possible, in any relationship, to be connected to our partner without being a persona? will be the question we will attempt to answer. More broadly, our discussion will consider how relational phenomena influence identify formation (referred to as “relational knowledge” or “relational knowing” in various domains of philosophy and psychology). Secrecy, ego dissolution, and the psychological processes involved in knowing oneself by recognizing how one is known by another will be addressed. Finding what Daniel Stern calls a new “way-of-being-with-the-other” will be used to describe the cyclical dynamics of being known and unknown in close relationships – the main component of intimacy.  

To register for this upcoming seminar, please see the directions below.

Psychodynamic Psychotherapy Group: One Opening

There is currently one opening in an ongoing psychodynamic psychotherapy process group in my practice. Referrals are welcomed (please contact me at 949-338-4388 or at jt@jamestobinphd.com). This therapy group utilizes the emerging dynamics among group members as a basis from which to examine characteristic ways of thinking, feeling, and relating to others. The group is a therapeutic experience and entry will occur only after a pre-group screening interview and preparation phase.