As you can see from the block above, my first book, Teaching the Preacher to Curse, is now for sale on Amazon.  I owe all of you a thank-you for being an intimate part of its writing.  At the very least, you have asked to be a part of my mailing list, a reminder that there are people out there who care to know something about my thoughts.  Many of you even read what I write, if not each week, at least occasionally.  How can I be lonely when I have people willing to open their hearts and minds to the voice of my writings?

The book is a collection of stories and anecdotes.  But each story requires a “cast” to bring it to life.  Many of you have been part of the cast of these stories.  Thank you for participating in my own story-rich life. 

Today’s post, however, is more than just a thank-you.  It is an encore for my readers—an exposure of what I’ve been doing the past two months in order to get the book published. 

My first big decision was whether to shop the book around for an agent and publishing house—or to simply publish it myself.  It would have taken years for me to find an agent or publisher.  And I wanted my 89-year old mother to hold a copy of her son’s work in her hands.  The book is dedicated to her and my dad.  He’s already passed.  And it was paramount for me to get it into her hands as soon as possible.  And so I went the route of self-publishing.

You can buy my book on Amazon, along with 23 billion other titles—literally. Since I’ve already sold 8 copies—as of this writing—I’ve already skipped over 22,999,000 titles, as I'm in 1,069,357th place for the week.  In other words, most of those books don’t sell well.  Even if you get a big publishing company to take your book, they consider it a success if it sells 1,000 copies in the first year.  The average self-published book (such as mine) sells 250 copies over a lifetime.  Self-published authors make about $1200 per book—over the life of the book.  If a publishing house picks up your book, you may be lucky enough to make $25,000 on that book. 

Doing the math, I have spent about 1600 hours on Teaching the Preacher to Curse.  Subtract my expenses—about $1000, and my hourly wage for being an author amounts to 12 cents. My dad paid me more than that when I was a kid and he wanted me to weed the garden.  

Of course, I might sell more than 250 copies. If all the people who don’t like me buy a copy—just to make sure I didn’t libel them—I’ll have a good year.  And the thing about being a writer is that people don’t have to like me personally—they just have to like how I write.  Some people like to laugh—and I can usually deliver.  Some people like to argue with an author—and I’m pretty good at stirring up a spat.  Some people like cats and dogs—and my book has those folks covered.  Some people are nosy about what pastors are really like—and my work scratches that itch.  

I decided to use the free Amazon tools in order to get my book published.  Here’s the way that works:  I send them the completed manuscript, and they print the books. In the case of paperbacks—Amazon charges me 1.2 cents per page to print the book and a dollar to do the cover.  They only print books when someone orders one, so there is no up-front expense I have to pay.  I’m only charged when someone orders a book.  

I decide how much I want the customer to pay for each book.  My introductory deal for Teaching the Preacher to Curse is $14.95. Amazon keeps 40% of the price I charge—plus printing costs, and then sends me a check a couple months later for the remainder.  So I’m told.  

With the (almost) $5 I’ll be making on each sale, I’m already making a list of things I want to buy—all for about $5 each:  a fishnet bag to hold my tennis shoes when I throw them in the washer, a toilet lid cover, an artificial plant, an artificial rock to put in my front yard to hide me keys under, reusable chopsticks, a collapsible shot glass, and a seat belt cutter—in case I’m ever stuck in the car after an accident.  I know it’s premature for me to be thinking about how I’m going to spend all my royalty money—but I just couldn’t help myself from getting excited, going on the internet, googling “things for $5,” and letting myself dream a little.

Already, however, some of my friends are wondering if I’m involved in a scam.  I promised that I would sell you a book for $20—if you wanted to get it directly from me.  My friend Larry texted me—“Why are you charging me $20 when I can get your book on Amazon for $14.95?”  Larry used to chair my finance committee at the Glen Carbon Church, and he was always asking me questions like that.  So—for all you “Larrys” out there, please buy the book directly on Amazon.  If I have to get it for you, I have to pay tax and shipping—and I have to use up my time (which is worth 12 cent an hour) and gasoline to get it to you—or I have to pay to ship it to you.  Furthermore, Amazon makes me pay the full $14.95 for your book.  So, feel free to order directly from Amazon.  

For the rest of you non-Larrys out there: if you want me to get the book for you, I’m delighted to do so.  Drop me a line and we’ll work it out. But it’s still $20, no matter how nice you are.

At this point, I’m staying up all hours of the day and night learning how to market this book.  My writer’s group suggested I run pieces of the book through ChatGPT to find out which famous author I most resemble.  Mark Twain came up a couple times, and I was so pleased, I just stopped there and quit running pieces through their program.  

Another consultant company analyzed my book and said that the style was similar to Scott Turow:  1) exhibiting a deep knowledge of the author’s profession, 2) respecting the complexity of people, 3) using stories to raise ethical and moral questions, 4) providing rich attention to details, 5) strong story-telling that is engaging and makes it hard to put the book down, and 6) raises provoking themes that invite the reader to engage in deeper reflection.  That may or may not be true, but the consulting company would like me to pay them for more marketing workshops.

Finally, the writing and publishing of this book is only the first step for me.  Now I hope to shepherd the book into people's lives. My main ministry these days is through my writing.  I hope that this book will reach into the hearts and minds of my readers—and each one who reads it will feel my companionship --and my rooting for them as they deal with all the joys and concerns of their own lives.  If you can encourage people you know to give the book a try—or if you would like to make this book a gift to people in your life—please do so.  

Over the next six months, I am available to travel to different places and speak (to churches, Sunday School classes, Lion’s Clubs, Book clubs, etc.) or to simply attend a book party so I can meet people and introduce the book to them.  I’ll likely lose money on those ventures—but again—this is my ministry, and it will be a delight to be among old friends and new.  Just contact me and let me know if you’d like to work out a party or speaking engagement.  Even if you are a “Larry.”