Last Monday, I found myself painting pumpkins with my family upstate. That day, following a horrific Simchat Torah, we took our pre-planned family vacation that it didn’t make sense to cancel, both because we needed some family time and also because things would be just as terrible – arguably more so – when we returned two days later. 

You may already know that I am not an art person. But when I picked up that paint brush and began painting ugly teal and gold stripes on my little orange pumpkin, I was able to take a deep breath for the first time since I woke up on Saturday morning. I finally understood art therapy; it took me out of the devastation and trauma for just a few moments. And boy did I need that. 

Ethan and I have been talking a lot about our feelings of guilt this week: survivors’ guilt and American guilt. The pictures of families and children that have been circulating first on my social media and then in the news look just like our family and our children. We’re only a few degrees removed from a significant number of people who were slaughtered or kidnapped. 

Yet, we are safe. While our dear friends in Israel have been attending more funerals and shivas than ever before, between the two of us, Ethan and I celebrated with five B’nai Mitzvah families, an expanding family and three couples over the past week alone. We feel like we’re underwater, but time and life march on. We celebrate for those who no longer can, and what better act of righteous defiance than to dance and sing. 

We have been contacting our public officials, donating money and checking in with friends, family and congregants. We are trying our best to help lead our broken communities through this awful time while we too are distraught. Like many of you, we are trying our best to parent while we’re heartbroken, furious and scared.

I connected with a colleague this week about how paralyzed we’ve both been feeling. She wrote, “Take care of yourself. Really.” 

While it feels impossible and selfish to think about self-care right now, I want to emphasize the importance of caring for ourselves at this moment. It turned out that  pumpkin painting wasn’t just an activity to keep my kids busy for a few minutes; I never would have imagined that I needed to paint in order to continue putting one foot in front of the other. However, I do know that I need to take breaks from social media, the news and even some conversations in order to function. And if you do too, please let yourself step away, even just for a bit. It feels impossible to me too, but it’s essential. 

I’m trying to give myself permission – while accepting the guilt – to do what I need to do for the sake of self-preservation. This nightmare may last a long time, and we have to take care of ourselves in order to continue speaking out and showing up for family, friends and the Jewish People. 

I won’t embarrass myself by sharing a picture of my pumpkin (although all women are invited to join me today from 10-11AM for Rosh Chodesh at my home, in which case you can see it for yourself). Instead, here is a Spotify playlist I put together of songs that I hope may offer us a small measure of comfort and strength at this terrible time. 

Shabbat Shalom,

Cantor Rabbi Levin Goldberg