October 2022

   Speak up and Listen

SPEAK UP AND LISTEN TO TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS

          We all want to feel understood (especially those of us with more anger in our basic emotional constitution). Listening is one half of the equation for good communication. Speaking up in a constructive way is the other. An effective verbal exchange brings connection, as information and understanding is transmitted from one person to others. It increases the amount of love we experience. The following is my take on how to make that happen. 

LISTENING DOS AND DON'TS

 I'll begin by listing some of the strategies we use that are sure to bring feelings of disconnection.

interrupting

problem solving

offering unsolicited advice

finishing other’s sentences

changing the topic

matching stories

debating or challenging

cornering or interrogating

         Do you recognize any of these bad habits in yourself or those you interact with? They are killers that severe feeling understood. Here's an example.

         During a session this week, a woman was sitting on the couch with her partner. She was trying to share her health concerns. At her first pause, he started giving her nutritional recommendations.

          I leaned forward and said to her: “When you’re talking about what’s upsetting, the last thing in the world you want is advice, so with the sweetest most loving voice you can muster, say ‘Honey, I just want to be listened to for a few minutes right now.”

The key is to say it sweetly, lightly, and repeatedly until the other person stops and refocuses on what you were saying.

          And what did her partner on the couch say after all that? “That would be new for me!” At an early age he’d learned to cope by going into his “fix it” mode. She hated it when he did that. Other people go into a debate or justification mode. Regardless of our chosen tactic, we stop listening and break our connection. Feelings of safety flee.

          What we all really want in our social relationships especially with family members, is to feel good about ourselves, to feel connected/share/feel part of a team, and know we’re safe in our own little tribe.



          When you finally speak up about something you know you’ve been avoiding, more joy, love, and peace awaits just by lightly repeating the words… “I just want to be listened to for a few minutes right now.” You might have to repeat this more than once to get the other person to drop their own agenda and just listen to understand. 

THREE IMPORTANT POINTS ABOUT TALKING:

• Talk about yourself and what’s going on for you. This isn’t “listen to me while I tell you about you.” For both or all people involved, the focus is you sharing about yourself. That’s how feelings of closeness arise.

• This doesn’t mean you get to hold onto the microphone and talk for as long as you want. Good communication means talking and listening fifty-fifty.

• When you’ve finished what you want to say, and feel like the other person understands what you have said, you can solicit other’s interpretations, feelings, suggestions, etc. IF you want them.

      We all just want to be understood, aka listened to – to be seen for “us” as a worthy being. As scary as it can seem at first, I guarantee that speaking up will bring copious rewards and breakthrough moments. You will be more authentic and your relationship will prosper if you make an effort to both talk and listen.