Research indicates that most, if not all, of us engage in some form of self-talk everyday. This dialogue ranges from giving ourselves instructions or reminders to random observations to having conversations with ourselves about ourselves. Self-talk is our inner voice and it can vary in its degree of amplification and frequency. Our self-talk can have a big influence on how we see ourselves, the world around us and which actions we take or don't take.

Self-talk generally has either a negative or positive tone and is closely related to fixed and growth mindsets.

Negative self-talk sounds like:

That is too difficult.

I can't do it.

I always mess things up.

I have always been this way.

I don't know anything.

I'm .... (pick a derogatory comment)

Fixed Mindset sounds like:

I am who I am.

Feedback = criticism.

If I don't try, then I won't fail.

My potential is predetermined.

Positive self-talk sounds like:

It sounds challenging.

I will give it my best shot.

If I mess up, I will learn from it.

I am open to change.

I want to learn.

I'm ... (pick a complimentary comment)

Growth Mindset sounds like:

My identity is always growing.

Feedback helps me learn.

Failures offer growth & opportunity.

I can learn to do what I want.

Positive self-talk isn't about having all the answers or inflating your ego.

It's about being giving yourself a realistic appraisal, removing negative bias and reframing your thoughts towards a proactive, pro-you approach.

Research Backed Benefits

Healthy self-talk reduces stress, helps boost confidence and helps you build a better relationship with yourself.

Effective self-talk links thought and action. It motivates you to get started, provides instruction and encourages you along the way.

Self-talk that invites you into a more open and optimistic mindset leads to a broader perspective. A bigger picture view is very useful when we approach challenges and stressful situations.

Research finds that when self-talk focuses on the present moment and on seeing that moment and its opportunities as valuable, it more effectively helps us reach our goals.

When our self-talk can realistically and compassionately address our fears and doubts, it's been shown to increase well-being.

Recognize the Negative

Part of the reason for negativity is that humans are hardwired to remember negative experiences over positive ones. This creates a bigger negative "evidence" pile in our memories. Some may argue that this voice helps them to stay motivated, protects them from disappointment or prepares them for "what's inevitably coming". It's given credibility as the honest voice that keeps them humble. Ultimately, it comes down to the tone and language you use with yourself. Healthy self-reflection can certainly check all the boxes without all the meanness that our negative self-criticism offers.

The easiest way to gauge your self-negativity? Simply ask, "Would I speak to my friend or colleague this way? "

In order to shift our negative thought patterns, we first have to recognize them.

Here's a few of the most common patterns or thinking errors:

Catastrophizing

Simply put, you expect the worst, no matter the issue. An argument with your significant other signals the end of the relationship. An imperfect performance review means you'll be fired.

Polarizing

Everything is on one end or the other, all or nothing, good or bad, always or never. There is no middle ground or gray. "I made a mistake" becomes "I never get things right". "She doesn't like me" becomes "No one likes me".

Magnifying

We amplify the negative components and ignore or dismiss any of the positive parts in a situation. For example, you get a lot of positive feedback on a presentation, but you only focus on the one negative comment.

Personalizing

You hold yourself responsible for circumstances and actions that are out of your control and blame yourself when bad things happen. For example, your direct report is struggling and you take that as evidence you're a bad manager.

The common thread amongst these patterns is that they do not accurately reflect reality. When we believe them to be true, we often are drawn into rumination, self-doubt & inaction.

Interrupt the Negative with a Reality Check

To challenge these negative assumptions and switch to more positive self- talk we need to recognize and then interrupt the pattern.

Meet the thought head on and ask:

• How accurate is the thought, story or belief I am telling myself?
• Am I assuming? Am I guessing and filling in information?
• Whose opinions and what facts am I relying on?
• Is this really a level 10 or might I be overreacting?
• Would a friend say or think this about me?

Shift Gears & Provide Emotional First Aid

• Breathe. It's always the easiest and most readily available tool you have. Deep breath in, long breath out. Repeat.
• Talk to yourself in the 3rd person. It helps you to gain a little psychological distance from your experience.
• What would a friend say about me instead?
• What would I say to a friend who thought this about themselves?

Try Experimenting

To increase impact, look yourself in the mirror as you say, "Amanda, ..."

• You have the power to change your mind.
• This is an opportunity to try something new.
• You can learn & grow from this.
• You can control your response.
• You are a good person who made a mistake.
• You will figure this out.
• You are not alone.
• You can be kind to yourself.
• You can ask for help.
• You can do hard things.
• Tomorrow is a new day.

Nurturing a healthy inner voice takes awareness & practice. It's natural to fall back into negative patterns. The trick is not to beat yourself up for doing so, but to laugh gently at yourself and try again. As long as we're alive, we are all works in progress!!

If you're interested in developing healthier self-talk, feel free to reach out via email or my website - I'd love to help you get there!