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The recent Adam Sandler movie, “You Are So Not Invited to my Bat Mitzvah”, is an exploration of the pressures faced by a young person in the lead-up to the “big day”. While some of the depictions ring true, a few struck me as wrong-headed – for instance, the rabbi. Next time, I’ll have Sandler call my agent. Assuming there is a next time, and that I actually go out and get an agent.
The truth is that it’s not only the child who faces enormous pressure. It’s also the parents, who must do an extraordinary amount of planning and preparation so everything flows smoothly. But what’s the most stressful part? If you’ve ever planned a party, you know the answer – the guest list. You have to decide who to invite and, more importantly, who not to invite.
In the Torah reading for the first day of Rosh Hashana, the Torah tells us that Abraham made a great feast on the day that Isaac was weaned. (Genesis 21:8) According to Talmudic tradition, this would take place at about the age of two. But whom should Abraham invite? As it turns out, just about everybody. Shem, the son of Noah, and Ever, Shem’s grandson and Noah’s great-grandson, were there as scions of a yeshiva. (Don’t overthink the chronology). Terach, Abraham’s father was there, as was Nachor, Abraham’s brother. Even Abimelech, a local chieftain, and his chief of staff Fichol, attended the event, despite having disputes with Abraham over wells of water.
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And the child grew up, and when he was weaned Abraham made a great feast on the day that Isaac was weaned. And Shem and Ever, and all dignitaries of the state, and Abimelech, king of the Philistines, and Fichol, his commander-in-chief, and all his servants, came to rejoice at the feast which Abraham had made on the day of the weaning of his son. And Terah, Abraham's father, and Nahor, Abraham's brother, and their families, came from the land of Haran, on hearing that Sarah had borne a son unto Abraham. And they came to eat and to drink at the feast which Abraham had made on the day his son was weaned. And Terah and Nahor were overjoyed with Abraham, and they remained with him in the land of the Philistines many days. (Sefer Ha-yashar, 10th century CE, Vayera 10)
In our own day, how do you make a guest list for a bris? The short answer is that in traditional circles, you don’t. Everybody attends because it’s a mitzvah to attend, and an invitation is no more necessary than it would be on a Saturday morning.
Because in my view, you are so invited to Shir Chadash’s Saturday morning service.
- Rabbi Scott Hoffman
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