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Every week I share a piece of my crazy life as a single mom to my teenagers. This week I want to talk about toddlers. I mean, I am a Preschool Director. I probably should chat about toddlers every once in a while! 😊 I want to address something that weighed on me when I was a “toddler mom,” which I have recently found is still weighing on the hearts of many parents.
Last week, I got in the car of a dear friend, and she had a pacifier in her cup holder. She immediately started to explain the pacifier to me. I realized right away that the need to explain came from a position of defending her actions as a parent. I told her that she never has to explain herself to me or defend herself to me! Then I told her this parenting story.
I remember so clearly when Taylor (my oldest daughter, almost 20 now) was 3 years old. During an elevator ride, a woman entered the same elevator car that we were in. Me with my independent, strong-willed, and crazy little 3-year-old child, her 18-month-old sister, and a stroller with newborn twins in it. I truly cannot imagine what I must have looked like! I am well aware that most people thought I was absolutely nuts. Talk about certifiably crazy. I guess my sweetheart was a chip off the old block.
This woman who entered our elevator car proceeded to bend down to speak to my Taylor. She said, “aren’t you a little old for a binky?”
Of course, Taylor had no idea who the woman was or why she was speaking to her. As children often, and should do, she shied away from the woman and perched herself against my leg.
She continued, “do you want to be a baby like your little sisters, or a big girl? Babies use binkies. Big girls don’t.”
After 17 years, I am certain that those were her exact words. I hate that I remember that moment so well. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I felt defeated. My child felt scared and confused, and maybe even shamed. I mean, seriously lady? I was flabbergasted! I was blown away that anyone could look at me and my tiny ‘starting line-up’ of children and even think twice about a silly binky. However, I must have beaten myself up over this for weeks, if not months. My poor child! She ended up in a downward spiral of irrational binky rules and removals that to this day I pray did not negatively impact her childhood. 🤣 I am sure that was not the case, but I just cannot believe the distress that this one woman and one comment caused.
I have lived a lot of years since then. Somehow 17 years is a lot longer when you are old, and you add experience to it. I made the decision after the binky chaos that my children are definitely NOT walking into high school or college with binkies, bottles, or blankies. I mean, come on, lady! Who cares, and more importantly why do you?
This child has only been on this planet for 3 years. She is still very actively trying to figure out how to be a person. Every child develops at a different pace and requires different comforts to adjust to being a new human. In my opinion it is perfectly ok to give them those comforts. In fact, if they have comfort and security whether it is from a blankie, a stuffy, a binky, or a bottle then they will likely develop into a well-adjusted human a lot more seamlessly than if we as parents conform to every societal expectation and judgement.
So, back to my car ride. I told my friend she definitely does not have to explain anything to me and that she is an incredible mother who is making God-ordained, and faithful decisions for her children every day. There is not one single part of parenting that is easy. The challenges are obviously not easy. The unknowns are never easy. But sometimes the things you feel most confident in at the time very quickly become not easy also.
So, I say to you parents and guardians…please be kind. Please do not judge any parent. Please be intentional and loving and graceful in your interactions with one another. None of these children are going to Ivy League schools with binkies in their mouths, but MANY of them will go to Ivy League schools! So, keep that phrase in your back pocket and remind yourself the next time you are compelled to veer away from your instinct to follow parenting norms and expectations. Let them rock that binky! Let them carry that stuffy! Don’t let anyone bring them or YOU down! You are doing a remarkable job and you need to hear THAT more often!
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” – Matthew 6:34
Ms. Dana
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