My first night out alone in nature; a Noble Silence Retreat Adventure.
I was enjoying a cup of tea in the hammock after all the participants of the silent retreat left.
Then, 3 eagles, Warawaras, appeared and started a celestial aerial show with the Sero Grandi hill as an epic background. I was fascinated with the spins, deep dives and high ascends, even a flip over and kind of a tagging game?. It moved me to tears.
Should I stay one more day, alone?
I had this on standby as the next grand spiritual quest for too long.
Despite the fear, a surge of energy filled my body after contemplating the question.
Through sustained daily meditation my intuition became really strong.
This quake in my body was a clear YES!
Then of course followed the BUTs of the mind;
-
didn't the soup go bad? No, it's even half frozen, food checked V
-
is there enough water? Yes, a full jug, checked V
-
can I extend the stay? tenant and family, ok with it, checked V
Then the biggest BUT on going into the night alone, far away from the world, with no electricity...
- ︎ Can the love in my heart make the fear disappear?
- ︎ Can the light of my spirit shine in the darkest night?
No check for that yet...
It was still early in the morning. I had a whole day to work towards that moment.
I continued the Noble Silence practice, which involves no reading, writing, listening to music and of course no talking. No, not even to yourself out loud.
In a full day silent practice I make sure I add at least 3 sessions of closed awareness (CA) practice in sitting meditation. Morning, noon and evening.
It was a tough sitting with unusual mental turbulence. I always say;
"The practice of silence is like a mental deep tissue massage, it's gonna hurt, but you will feel better after"
I meditated, had lunch, went for a plunge, all the while observing the mind's sneaky ways to evade the moment. Singing songs that can easily stick in the mind, like " The hills come alive through the sound of music...." who can transcend that?! Or filling in the sounds of the water, the footsteps I take or even my breath.
I persisted with the present moment practice as the sun steadily set towards the hill's crest.
One hour before dark. I felt too uneasy to enter the night this uncentered.
I flipped out a towel and started a sunset yoga practice.
Tadasana - Mountain pose; As I folded my hands together in prayer at my heart center, a sudden explosion of energy erupted into tears. I continued, Uttanasana, Anyenejasana, I felt myself grounding, Low Lunge Dancing Virabhadrasana, deep sighs in Ustrasana, Balasana, I felt the surrender, Adho Mukha Svanasana, Anyenejasana, Eka Padasana, I felt my power rising.
Back to Tadasana, another eruption of tears. I repeated the sequence on the other side.
In the end my body asked for the Warrior Series, Virabhadrasana I, II and III, intermitted by the Goddess Pose, Utkata Konasana, my drishti deepened and my body filled with heat.
No savasana today.
Having cleaned this tension from my body it became clear where I would sleep, not inside.
Outside on the beach next to a half build driftwood tipi.
I grabbed the basket with offerings. I observed the 2 belief systems fighting:
The Fear based belief system:
It is too dangerous, you are a woman, all alone out here, you never know what can happen, you can get assaulted physically and also energetically by bad haunting spirits.
Thinking this made my body contract and I felt my energy shrink.
The Love based belief system:
I am a child of the Earth. I do this for peace, love and healing. I am hear to celebrate, love and honor Mother Earth, ancestors, and all beings. What an honor it is to do this most beautiful thing. Here by the ocean, under the stars, with the crickets and the eagles like guardians in the mountain. Oh, certainly not alone. Besides, an assault can also happen in the safety of my house. Thinking this filled my body with energy and I felt my energy field sizzle and double.
Oh yes, it is happening.
For safety I laid out chairs and beverages out on the porch. like a " there are more people staying here" scenario. I found an empty beer bottle, perfect, let's add that to the stage.
The sun disappeared behind the mountain. In the after lights I setup the fire pit.
What a wind!, I got an extra piece of flat wood for a wind barrier. I pulled out the semi humid match box from my pants, only a few unused matches left. I grabbed the lamp oil in an apologetic manner, this was a major cheating move for me, as I am committed to start a fire organically. Tonight that bar was too high.
The flames rose up violently, The smoke was overwhelming. I put in the mother wood.
When the flames became tame and at a ceremonial level, I grabbed the African drum I've had for
over 25 years. Fixated on the fire and not giving due attention to the growing darkness, I started drumming intuitively. My hands gave rise to a unique beat, the melodic sub tones triggered my heart song (that I only sang in intimate sister circles) that unfolded into what I now call,
Heart Drumming; the process of intuitive drumming along with spontaneous rhyming poetry and chants that purify the heart, an earnest expression of love, pain, desires and profound wish to reconcile with divine beauty and truth. Shanti-pidia.
This reminded me of my step grandmother, who rests in heaven, who was a Cantado di Tambu in Curacao.
The drumming came to a natural still point, my eyes burnt and my nose was plugged from the smoke and tears. My heart felt finally at peace. At last, I looked up from the fire and glanced behind me. I was deeply touched by the majestic silhouette of the mountain, It felt like a grandmother looking at me. The stars around sparkled so beautifully, it felt like bothers and sisters smiling at me. I felt so All with One. More tears cascaded down, this time of deep gratitude.
I had a self made potpourri jar of dried orange peels and I lovingly offered each to the fire, thanking everyone and celebrating every living thing.
As the fire reduced to golden crystals, I cuddled into a nest and fell in a deep calm sleep.
The next day felt like a rebirth, I meditated with the sunrise and needed to plunge with clothes and all into the glittering waves.
Celebrating life, freedom and the simplicity of being.
It was not my intention to write a long newsletter about this.
But, firstly, it feels great to put this on paper and secondly, most importantly, it is to help you move beyond fear. The fear of being in stillness with yourself, the fear of facing yourself, the fear of going deeper beyond your known boundaries. If you can not sit still with yourself you will never know who you are, you will never find your inner jewel.
Austrian poet and novelist, Rainer Maria Rilke wrote:
“Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure.”
Do you want to find your treasure? Are you ready to go within?
No, you don't have to sleep out alone in nature. (yet)
How about learning to meditate and be in silence?
And if you are a seasoned meditator, are you ready for an extended Noble Practice?
Check out the next Enlightenment Meditation Course starting next week Tuesday May 9th! and the Sacred Woman Silent Retreat on June 3rd in the flyer below.
Stay tuned for the extended Weekend Noble Silence Retreat on Saturday July 1st!
beyond fear with love,
Shanti
