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In 2018, my dad died. It felt like a large, overstuffed suitcase had suddenly just flung open and scattered its contents across four lanes of highway through the desert. I began the years-long process of retrieving what hadn't been lost in the wind and deciding if I needed it or could let it go.
I've been surprised by some of the contents of that (heavy!!) suitcase, and one piece I am still turning over in my hands to examine from every angle, is my deep need and love for Mother God.
My church family of origin taught me about Father God and His love, but also, His deep disappointment in me. I was told, and I believed, that I had been made in God's image, but I had to find a way to make myself fit. I spent a lot of time in mental, emotional, and spiritual acrobatics to make that make sense. Prior to my dad's death, I met two women whose friendships patiently and compassionately held my hands as I began to unravel my beliefs, and then, again, as I navigated this repacking of my suitcase. Graciously, one of them shared a song with me: Queendom, by AURORA.
While this isn't a scriptural song or hymn, it captured my imagination. It wrapped me up in my first image of God as a Queen, a Woman I could both be in relationship with and be inspired by.
I began to change the pronouns in hymns and prayers as a kind of private experiment. Using she/her pronouns for God felt thrilling and it made church feel like I was experiencing it in high definition. I could finally see with more depth and clarity than before, because I could get inside the text and walk around in it, as myself. My lived experience as a girl, and as a woman, began to lend a different texture, nuance and aroma that other pronouns had not offered.
I am still shaky in my courage to write, to believe, and to worship in this way, but I know I'm not alone. A friend of mine wrote to me: "... (recently) I discovered that God loved that I am a woman. I had NO idea. I cry every time I think about it." My ardent prayer is that all people, regardless of gender identity or expression, can experience this high definition love and acceptance by God, our Mother, and to know that God does, indeed, love women.
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