Low Demand Parenting

by Marni Kammersell

You may have heard of low demand parenting. The concept has been enjoying some time in the spotlight recently, at least in neurodiversity spaces. Essentially, low demand parenting is the antithesis of being a Tiger Mom. Instead of pushing kids to do more, be more, learn more, prove more - the concept of low demand parenting invites us to question whether it might be okay to just show kids our love more. To slow down more. To trust more. To believe that they are doing the very best they can, in this moment and in every moment. Just like we are as parents. 

Yet sometimes creating a low demand, peaceful parenting household feels like it places a whole lot of demands on us as adults. If we are dropping demands for our kids, it often places additional responsibilities back onto us, which can feel unsustainable. So what are some ways we can drop demands for our kids AND for ourselves as we go into this intensely demanding holiday season?

• Rethink your “musts.” What can you let go of? Maybe it’s okay that your seven-year-old has a hotdog and chips for lunch, instead of the homemade meal you’d usually prepare for them. Or maybe your child has a food allergy or limited diet such that the food itself isn’t an area where you can compromise, but you can use paper plates on the nights when you need to reduce the load. Perhaps you can actively work to reduce the number of commitments outside of the home, at least for the next few weeks. As our families grow and change, our “musts” often change and adapt as well, but if we don’t reexamine them with a critical eye, we may be doing more than we need to just on autopilot.

• Ask your children about their priorities. Sometimes we assume that something we’ve always done a certain way is important to our kids, and we do our best to make those things happen. But since children change, if we don’t ask, we may be putting in a lot of effort on things that are no longer needed. Whether your family tradition is running a Turkey Trot, making a pie for each family member, or even just watching a particular movie, check in about which pieces are important and which should be continued, adapted, or dropped altogether.

• Be ready to share your priorities too. Some of our kids are more flexible than others. You may or may not have experienced a lot of success in feeling seen, heard, and supported by your kids. Since gifted kids are neurodivergent (and if they are twice or multi-exceptional, they will be neurodivergent in a variety of different ways), they often have lagging skills that may show up in the form of delayed emotional regulation. They may not be ready or able to exhibit a so-called “age-appropriate” level of understanding. That’s okay! Even if our kids aren’t able to fully participate and pitch in right now, these discussions lay the groundwork for future collaboration and problem-solving. And if they can help out now in joint decision-making, all the better.

• Do your best to let go of societal expectations that don’t align with your “deep why.” Part of low demand parenting is releasing expectations for kids around things like certain clothing choices (pajamas all day, every day!) even in public. We can extend this idea to ourselves and see what things we can release as adults. Maybe we decide that it’s okay to have a messy house in this season of life, and instead of tidying up, we let guests know ahead of time that the house is going to be messy. Or if we chronically struggle to arrive places on time, perhaps we can reduce the stress by just texting the friend - “We’re running late. Is it still going to work for us to show up half an hour later than planned, or would it be better to just reschedule?”

• Cultivate moments of calm connection with yourself. Self-care has become a buzzword, and I’m not necessarily talking about long bubble baths or weekly massages (although if you enjoy and can get those things, more power to you!). For most of us as busy parents of gifted and 2e kids, we’ll find more success in thinking about self-care as small practices built into our day to help us to breathe easier - both figuratively and literally. So if all you’ve got is five minutes alone in the bathroom, think carefully about whether scrolling your phone is the best use of that time. Experiment. What does it feel like to read a book or look out the window instead? See where else you can add thoughtful pauses throughout your day. If you spend many hours playing with and tending to small children, try setting a time for three minutes and stay fully in the moment, noticing every small detail about your child - their eyelashes, the curl of their hair, their fingernails. If you have older kids and spend a lot of time being a chauffeur, try taking three deep breaths at every stop light and seeing what you can notice in the world around you.

Dr. Ross Greene tells us that "Kids do well when they can," and this is true of parents as well. We do well when we can. When we aren’t doing well, it isn’t from lack of trying. This parenting thing is hard. 

I am grateful that so many people are speaking out about the impossibility of modern life, living in a world without a village. We’ve been given messages that we can do it all, but it’s just not true. We can’t do it all. We have to make choices. We can’t drop everything either, no matter how much we wish we could. But we can drop some things. So, look for those things that you can let go of. We have to make space for new and better possibilities to show up for us. 

Resources

Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman

Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price

Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent by Iris Chen

Naomi Fisher’s Substack, Think Again