The 3-letter word AND packs a lot of power. It has the ability to positively influence the tone, meaning and intention of our communication.
Look what happens when we use the word BUT:
"I really want to get together, but I have to finish my work."
"That's an awesome idea, but here's something else to think about."
"I thought I spoke well in that meeting, but I forgot the last point."
Generally, the moment we use the word "but", we are negating the first part of what we said. And, whoever we're speaking to also negates the first part of what we said. They hear, "I can't get together, my work is more important than getting together with you" or "Your idea isn't going to work". With the third statement, the focus is on the mistake and dismisses the good part.
"But" makes the two parts unequal. This isn't always an issue, but when it undoes praise, agreement or an important point, it can be problematic.
Look what happens when we substitute And for But:
"I really want to get together and I have to finish my work." Does not negate the desire to get together and it offers room for brainstorming.
"That's an awesome idea, and here's something else to think about." Gives an inclusion message - I like your idea and what do you do you think about this?
"I thought I spoke well in that meeting and I forgot the last point." It allows for two things to be equally true.
What Does And Offer?
And is inclusive.
It does not exclude, deny, discount, limit or reject.
And seeks to add and connect. This opens up more possible solutions.
"How can we do this and do it quickly, easily, more efficiently?"
And can act as a pause.
"That's an interesting idea and I'd like to think about it more."
And softens a No.
"I had a great time and I'd prefer to be friends."
We need to buy new equipment.
"Yes, and we can't do that until next quarter."
And interrupts self-doubt.
Tanner Christensen wrote The Creativity Challenge. He developed an exercise that is helpful in navigating self-doubts, insecurities and the inner critic voice.
The premise is addressing every idea with “Yes, AND…..” instead of “Yes, BUT ….”
Christensen shares the example of contemplating writing a book. You’re wondering if you even have anything worth writing about. Here’s how you’d respond:
Yes, and … if I write about my own life, it will be original.
Yes, and … because it’s my life, I’ll have much of the plot already figured out.
Yes, and … I can write about it as if it were a fantasy novel to make it more exciting.
Experiment
- Write down the example and what you are wondering
- Come up with 3 Yes, And… answers
- Notice what happens to your self-doubt. Is it changing?
In your everyday dialogues
- Pay attention to the frequency with which you use But
- Try switching the But to And
- Notice if your attitude changes or you receive a different reaction
