May 6, 2021
Dear Parents,
As we begin the month of May it seems appropriate to spend some time thinking about how we are teaching the virtues of modesty and chastity to our daughters. For Catholics, the month of May is traditionally dedicated to the Blessed Virgin Mary. Mary is both loved as the exemplar for many virtues, including modesty and chastity, and invoked as an advocate in helping us in our efforts to live these virtues so important for human happiness. How much hope and confidence we can have because we have an example and advocate in the Mother of God both for our own personal efforts as well as for the crucial work of forming our daughters!
Recognizing that they are the primary educators of their daughters, many Oakcrest parents have asked me for resources on how to talk to their daughters about modesty and human sexuality. One of my own daughters was in a Confirmation workshop at our parish. They surveyed the 8th graders and the majority wrote that their parents never spoke to them about sex. The culture certainly is speaking to our kids, so we parents cannot be afraid to provide wholesome, confident leadership on this topic.
As parents we need a healthy understanding of the human body and sexuality. I’ve given some information and resources below which I hope you find helpful. It is important to pray about what we read and ask God what to say to each child at the time proper to their age. A wise parent once told me, “...these will be a series of discussions at the appropriate times in your daughter’s life, not just the talk”. This responsibility rests squarely on the parent’s shoulders and we have the grace to take this on.
In his book, Girls on the Edge, Dr. Leonard Sax highlights some of the major factors putting our teens at risk. In previous Parent Support communications, we have covered the detrimental effects of social media. Here in this letter I want to point out another risk factor: the hypersexualization of young women. While this is not a completely new danger, it is more powerful because of the ever-present influence of social media. We need to look at the toxic reality teens face in our current culture and seek antidotes. Dr. Sax writes: “Girls today are bombarded with the notion that revealing your body is a valid means of self-expression, even a manifestation of girl power. Many girls today, nine and ten and eleven year olds dress in risque Halloween costumes, marketed to their age. Parents buy skin tight legging, camisoles, and midriff tops for their third grade daughters. As parents, we must reject the notion that girls have to reveal their bodies in order to empower themselves. Boys don’t do that...Girls shouldn’t either. Pretending to be sexual when you are seven years old makes you an object on display for others. It’s not who you really are. It’s not healthy. It sets up girls for depression, anxiety…”
An Oakcrest dad recently shared the wisdom he took from Dr. Meg Meeker's book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters. He tries to set standards of modesty with his daughters. "Dr. Meeker points out that girls are subconsciously looking for their dads to set standards of dress and behavior that they should live up to during adolescence. Even those girls who rebel and complain that parents are too strict will later appreciate the boundaries that were set. What was even more surprising was that Dr. Meeker showed studies that proved girls who were given none or more liberal standards for curfews or modesty later resented parents for their lack of guidance."
When fashion author, Mary Sheehan Warren, spoke to parents at Oakcrest, she provided guidance on how to draw out a discussion naturally about modesty. When you are shopping or simply walking by stores, and notice a mannequin or photo of a woman who is wearing suggestive clothing, have your daughter describe what she is seeing. It can be fruitful to let her lead the conversation by posing questions like, "I wonder what message she is trying to give?" or "What statement is she making about herself?” Help your daughter learn to discern the messages that clothing choices signify, both for good and for ill. Find examples of delightful images of clothing and help her form a love for beauty. If she learns to love beauty, and she is encouraged in this by her parents, especially her father, she will find it easier to ignore negative cultural trends.
A wise Oakcrest mom who gives marriage preparation talks and speaks to young families says, “The goal is really to help the girls see the big picture: that they are loved and worthy. Their actions and their dress is a reflection of that understanding of their innate dignity and worth! Several of the young moms mentioned that modesty was always taught as a series of no’s instead of a big yes to a beautiful and fundamental truth about who they are. Many mentioned they wish they had learned the why behind modesty.” There are two books (referenced in the Resources button below) by Emily Hussem and Leah Darrow that help girls realize this beautiful truth.
The culture of 50 years ago encouraged romance without sex. Today’s culture encourages sex without romance. The hook-up culture is destructive and pervasive among teens. Here’s the good news, in her book, Raising a Strong Daughter in a Toxic Culture, Dr. Meeker emphasizes that, “...parents have more influence over a daughter’s view of her sexuality and the decisions she makes about sex than any friend or boyfriend.” Dr. Meeker provides practical ways for parents to positively discuss sexual matters.
There is a booklet called Pure Love by Jason Evert that I discovered when my oldest was in 9th grade at Oakcrest. It was on the Oakcrest reading list for her grade. The book was written over a decade ago but I find some of the language and rationale very helpful when speaking to my children. I know one Oakcrest mom who met with her 11th grader once a month at a coffee shop and they went over this book one chapter at a time. She invested time in her relationship with her daughter and they grew closer because of it. This is available via chastity.com listed below.
At Oakcrest, we create an environment of respect and we teach the truth about the human person clearly and positively. We provide role models as a way to teach the virtues of modesty and chastity. One specific way to work together with us is to ensure that your daughter’s uniform is the correct length, so that this is not chiefly a matter of discipline but is presented in the larger context of virtue.
At Parent-Teacher and Mentor conferences in March, you received a prayer card of Our Lady of Fair Love. I will join you in imploring Our Blessed Mother for your daughter and all of our students so they grow in understanding of their deep dignity as daughters of God, and learn to express it in positive, often courageous choices that enhance this dignity. You will hopefully derive several good inspirations from the resources listed below. As always, I’m open to any suggestions you may have as to what helped you as a parent, resources you would like to share, and ways in which we can support your task as parents in these areas as well as any other.
All the best,
