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Yes folks, this edition is really brought to you by LatchBio, the target of our 'Magnum Roastus' who delivered what we considered at the time to be the worst team page ever. Prior to that roast, we had never heard of the company and now here they are sponsoring the Team Roast greatest hits. Not exactly sure what sort of lesson the universe is trying to teach us...
By our count we’ve roasted 42 teams and 12 of those pages have since been removed. Removed because of our roast? Who's to say. Either way, it leaves 30 Team Roasts eligible for this all-time list.
So how to choose our favorites? We went with ones that a) still make us laugh/recoil even after seeing them many times and b) garnered the most reader responses. So let's do it!
7) Feb 3, 2022: Alissa Pharma
When you want to impress people by sharing your past employers, but text just isn't enough, what’s a little copyright infringement? These guys created vision boards of their former employers' logos and dropped them right under their faces. Didn’t Theranos get in trouble for putting logos of random companies on their slideshows?
6) Dec 16, 2021: SynCoreBio
How dedicated is the CEO, Founder & Chairman of SynCoreBio? Judging by his picture, he didn’t even take a day off work for his wedding - just rolled up into the office with the biggest damn boutonniere you’ve ever seen.
"Bust your butt and someday you’ll be wearing a decorated lily pad to work too, kid!"
5) Apr 29, 2021: Ground Zero Pharmaceuticals
"Hey everyone, we're setting up a company website and we need you to send in a professional headshot. Or a picture of you posing at the beach. Either works. Thanks!"
4) Dec 17, 2020: AgeX Therapeutics
Here's a good 'Team' page for you - also known as the "God model". That motif requires the CEO's image to appear bigger than the rest of the so-called team. In this case He went a step further and actually put His name in the url. Baller.
If you're feeling adventurous, you can head over to the CEO's personal website which may or may not have been copied directly from Geocities. He talks about immortality among other things. Sure is all-in on the God complex.
3) Aug 5, 2021: Transgenex
Check out this team, whose photos are all terrible, each in their own way:
1) Whitewashed background plus what must be a really threatening photographer - dude looks scared
2) This guy seems to have sent in a VHS screenshot from his 2003 family trip to an Orlando shopping mall.
3) Only school picture insiders have access to this sweet background - must be his photo from his high school science teacher days.
4) Last guy clearly texted this pic via his OG Motorola Razr.
2) Dec 23, 2021: Xelia
Excited to be a part of this amazing website photo shoot, everyone. Thanks for having me. Now let's get down to business.
Mr. CEO how about you do a ‘point at the camera’ thing.
Boom, nailed it.
Who’s next? President – slide them hands into your pockets.
So suave!
Moving along…CSO, ever seen that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine dances? Do. That. Dance.
Bellisima!
Now VP of people – whatcha got for me? Aha! The “c'mon” hands/face.
Classic!
Hey VP EHS & quality, can you beat that? Ooh, hand on wall and hip. At the same time.
Double nice!
R&D, how about you turn sideways, hold an imaginary mic and belt out Don’t Stop Believin’ in your mind...
*click*. Got it!
Let's bring this home. Last three – how about you laugh at nothing, be smug and show us your curveball grip.
Great work team, that’s a wrap!
1) June 24, 2021: United Therapeutics
(Many paragraphs of us ripping on the company's website goes here...)
Then there's the management team. Oh. My. Last week we featured some art-themed team pages. This baby puts them allllll to shame. Frankly, this puts every team page to shame. It's the golden God of Team Roasts. Subscribers of the world: the United Therapeutics management team.
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