It's OK to be sad.
A friend's beloved dog was laid to rest yesterday.
As I heard her tell her 7 year old nephew who loved this sweet furry family member, 'Don't be sad' my heart sank. I knew she meant well (she has the biggest heart), but the words felt stifling, scripted and unnatural. It reminded me of times in my childhood when I was told to cheer up, put on a smile, or to 'get over' things that aren't always meant to 'get over.' Or when I was told
I had better stop crying or I'd be given something to really cry about.
That one was so perplexing to me.
Often, we feel sad because we love.
This is a beautiful thing.
Sadly, we have grown up in a world (especially here in the USA) that is very uncomfortable with sad. Individually and collectively we carry a lot of unprocessed pain and grief. And this affects us deeply.
There is tremendous misunderstanding around emotions - what they are, how to be with them, how to hold space for ourselves and others experiencing them. I think many of us are afraid of the tsunami of tears that could come raging through (and perhaps never stop) if we dared to give permission
to our multi-layered sadness and disappointments.
But permission must be granted... if we want to get to the other side.
By get to the other side... I don't mean rushing to OK-ness or jumping over to happy-land and spiritual platitudes. Avoidance and denial bring a host of bigger dangers including depression, distraction, ego-ambition, and addiction.
In my observation depression, which is far-to-common these days, is sadness (and, later anger/hatred) turned inward. Depression comes about when we don't feel safe, seen, heard or valued enough to be able to both understand and authentically express what and how we are feeling.
There IS another side of sad. It may be more sad... but eventually, we will find it is all connected to love. Like rivers, we are meant to learn from and flow with our emotional guidance system. Sadness opens our heart wide
to the fullness and fragility of ourself, of others and of living in human form.
We can get stuck in sadness too... but let's save that talk for another day.
The only way I know to walk on this earth and be fulfilled is through living open-heartedly. It took years of dismantling clever defenses and 'got-it-together' disguises to get to here, but living through felt and shared experiences is rich and deeply rewarding.
I cry all the time... openly. Unapologetically.
I wasn't always this way. I stopped crying at age 10 or 11 because my sadness wasn't met with Presence. By well-meaning adults and clueless friends, I learned to stuff down all the sad. I started crying again at age 24 when I did my first personal growth seminar weekend, Making Love Work with Dr. Barbara DeAngelis. Feeling safe and being directly encouraged to feel and express, the flood gates of my heart opened, and I felt a freedom I had never experienced before. It still took many years and a lot of inner work for me to fully open my heart again, but from that first life-changing seminar experience, I vowed to learn about and honor emotions more fully. And I kept that promise.
A friend recently recommended the book, 'How to Be Sad.' I'm listening to it on Audible and I love it! Author Helen Russell shares her personal story, along with the history of Sad - or rather, the repression of Sad in our history... and the incredible damage this has done to us individually and collectively. Oddly, in mentioning this book to several friends, they all had a similar response: "I already know how to do that," to which I internally wondered, 'hmmm, really?'
Many of us don't allow enough space for sadness.
It is deeply and culturally ingrained in us that sadness is weakness.
Sadness is messy. Sadness is time-consuming and energy-depleting.
I find the opposite is true.
I cringe whenever I hear anyone apologize for their emotions. Or when someone rushes in to stop tears by quickly handing the person crying tissues. Or when they try to fix someone's sad by reminding them of all the good stuff.
While these sentiments are well-intentioned, for me it sends a clear message:
'I am uncomfortable with my/your emotions, so please stop.'
There is so much going on in our personal and global world right now
to bring about despair, grief, fear, anger... and empathy and connection.
The Ukrainian situation is heart-breaking. At times, I feel completely helpless. I feel angry that someone could be so cruel and heartless to do something so horrific to fellow human beings. I don't understand. I feel scared.
But mostly, I feel sad. A lot of sad. And a lot of Love.
As a Soul, I reside in a peace and acceptance that is calming.
There is a knowing that all is well. A knowing of Divine Order even while my humanness, Teri Jo doesn't understand or like what is happening.
Sadness is here.
And it is welcome to have its full expression too.
Perhaps FEELING IT ALL is the way through.
Through to our shared vulnerability and humanity.
Through to humility and grace.
Through to more loving.
Finding safe spaces to share helps too.
Personally, I think we all need a good long cry.
Maybe for days, or weeks, or even months.
We can still carry on with the busy-ness of our days through tears.
It certainly would soften us, and make us kinder and more
compassionate if we could bravely allow our sad more space,
and remember we are not alone in what we are experiencing.
The doorway to Spirit is through our tender, humble heart.
This is also the doorway to each other.
Let's walk through this together.
Tears falling, hearts opening.
Together.
In tender loving,
Teri Jo
