The holidays are upon us. This can be both a joyful and stressful time of year. So many images of those perfect holiday moments can set unrealistic expectations. We asked our experienced therapists to share some of their thoughts on how to best navigate some of the most common holiday stressors.
We hope you will find a few helpful tips to carry with you this season.
The Family Service Center Team
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Read on for ideas about to how to handle the regression we described last week. Remember that the pull towards patterns, roles, and expectations we learned in the past, happens to all of us. Adopting strategies can help prepare for, and resist, the accompanying feelings and reactions we often experience.
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Reflection—pausing to consider your hopes and expectations, thinking about what’s possible, what’s likely, and what would be amazing—is an important part of any helpful strategy.
Pause and reflect right now and consider these questions:
- What are the typical roles you see at Holiday gatherings?
- Which challenges would you like to avoid?
- How can you make the most of your time together?
- What helps you care for yourself?
As you think about the questions, hold them in your mind. Allow your answers and your knowledge of your personality to guide your consideration of the following strategies and the ways you can use them for your benefit. [We will share two more next week.]
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Be Gentle with Yourself
The first strategy is to be compassionate with yourself, to treat yourself the way you would a dear friend. Yours is the voice you hear most often — you are your most important friend. Think about the expectations you have for your dear friends (we don’t ask them to be perfect), the way you talk to your friends (with kindness and understanding), and the accommodations you make for your friends (you help them when they struggle, see their strengths and limitations and love them regardless).
To prepare for the event, practice talking to yourself (in your mind) in that same manner. This practice is also called Mindful Self-Compassion, a powerful technique for mental wellness developed by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer. Learn more: https://self-compassion.org/
During the event, try to respond to yourself with a friendly attitude, friendly words, and humor.
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Choose Your Goals
It’s helpful to consider our hopes and goals when planning for a gathering or Holiday event. We often start with ideals—everyone comes together, has a wonderful time, enjoys the food and the company, no one argues, the kids are delightful, etc. That sounds wonderful, but is probably too lofty a goal. There are many factors outside of our control and holiday gatherings can be stressful for a variety of reasons. Choosing a goal that is realistic, compassionate, and achievable can help you enjoy the event. Everyone comes, eats something, and has conversation is likely a more achievable goal. You could also add a personal goal, perhaps greeting each person with kindness during the event.
To prepare, you might think about the setting, the food and drinks, your hopes for your own behavior, wishes about the outcomes in terms of enhanced connection or avoiding unpleasant situations. You can consider and plan for logistics in terms of comfortable seating, space for side conversations, sequencing of tasks, the rhythm of the day for different age groups (young children may need naps, adults have different energy levels and bedtimes as well), containers for leftovers, and parking. You might know your guests really well, or you may want to ask beforehand about their favorite dishes. You may want to offer ways people can contribute, or help with tasks, so they feel included and useful.
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Consider what helps you to take care of yourself and incorporate that as part of your goals. It may be that you do better when you eat a bit before going, so you aren’t struggling with the atypical start time of many holiday meals. You may know that you are more relaxed when you are wearing familiar or soft clothes rather than fancy, special occasion clothes. You can choose, as a personal goal, to set yourself up for success by being as well rested, relaxed, and as comfortable as possible in order to arrive with a generous, kind attitude.
Remember that you have the opportunity to reflect on your circumstances and goals in order to prepare yourself for the holidays. You get to consider what you need to do to take care of you. Sometimes, giving yourself a little bit of room to do this can make all the difference in the world.
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Family Service Center is a community-based, not-for-profit mental health agency that provides a range of mental health services for individuals and families. We believe everyone deserves access to quality services and we remove financial barriers to making that happen at FSC.
Where there is a need for counseling and family support, FSC's experienced, compassionate clinicians are here for you.
Call us to learn more: 847-251-7350
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Note our NEW ADDRESS:
191 Waukegan Road, Suite 206, Northfield, IL, 60093
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FSC's Annual Appeal is underway. Nearly 50% of the work at FSC is funded by donations. To better demonstrate that very real support to those who come to FSC’s new offices, we are creating a Hallway of Hope. Your donation can add an engraved butterfly to let those walking FSC’s halls know that they are not alone. Learn more on our website.
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