I can’t remember the names of any tour guides I’ve had.  There was the guy at the Millard Fillmore House (New York) who appears in my book.  But I didn’t use his real name, as he was a sorry excuse for a guide, and I didn’t want to embarrass him or his family.  

There was an excellent guide we had in Grenada, Spain last year.  But I never learned to pronounce or spell her  name.  

But I do remember a few dramatic things about the tour guide I met on my first trip to Israel, in 1974.  It was just a year after the Six-Day War there.  A group of us went for a tour of the Holy Land and an evangelism conference in Jerusalem.  Our guide hopped on the bus with us each morning and described each place we visited.  The Holy Land is a really old place.  So, as she told the history of each place, there was quite a bit to cover—from the days of Abraham to the days of Jesus and the Roman Empire, to the days of the Middle Ages and the Crusades, to the occupation of the Ottoman Empire, to the present.

I was sympathetic to her, and in my sympathy, trusted everything she said.  She was well read in history, loved her country and her faith (Judaism,) and bore the marks of the Buchenwald Concentration Camp from World War II—the prisoner tattoo was still visible on her arm.  She also described all the ways that the Jews were superior to the Arabs.  History goes back and forth.

In my last trip to Israel, we had a guide who had Palestinian leanings, and the story—and the things we saw were entirely different.  Guides can either steer you toward understanding or misunderstanding.  They can help you connect others to your own life and circumstances, or they can traffic in forgettable factoids. 

I’m thinking of all that because I’m preparing myself these days to be a tour guide myself (for a few days each month) in Chicago—city of gangsters, political conventions, lousy sports teams, immigrants, broad shoulders, wind….  Over 50 million people will visit Chicago this year.  Quite a few will be willing to pay a local guide to take them around and regale them with stories of the place and the people.  

I can do that.  I’ve been showing tourists around ever since I was in college, just across the river from St. Louis—and friends and relatives would visit and want to be introduced to the Gateway City and ushered about.  When I went to seminary in Washington D.C., even more friends and relatives—including acquaintances I didn’t like—would visit me, just to enjoy my tours of the place.  I’ve walked people around Gettysburg, Harpers Ferry, Baltimore, Philadelphia, and New York City.  I’ve also taken groups to Florida, Arizona, Yellowstone, and California.  And then there are the Civil Rights tours I’ve organized and led to Memphis, Alabama, Little Rock, Mississippi, and Atlanta.  

Why not sign up to give tours of Chicago?  A company called Tours by Locals was hiring.  While I’m not exactly a Second City local, I do only live two hours away.  And heck, some days it takes three hours, stuck in traffic, just to get from one end of the city to the other.

Unfortunately, Tours by Locals doesn’t include any offerings closer to Urbana, where I actually am a local.  Most of the people who visit my hometown are here to see the University of Illinois football or basketball team.  Then they want to go out drinking afterward to help them forget what they witnessed.  They don’t need a tour guide.  Just a taxi back to their hotel.

So, I’m studying up on Chicago, trying to figure out what I might offer customers.  I have a car that works (for 2-4 customers—the average number of people who sign up for a tour) and can get folks to several sites.  I also have a background in history and religion, and I can tell a good story. 

I know quite a bit about immigration, ethnic neighborhoods, churches, and other religious history in Chicago.  So, there’s that—a tour of churches, background on different denominations and religions, experiencing the ethnic richness of the city.    

Then there are the cemeteries.  I’m really good in a cemetery, not as a corpse, but as an officiant of burials.  Hundreds of interesting characters are buried in the cemeteries of Chicago.  And some of those cemeteries include nature attractions and architectural gems.  The tour possibilities are endless—re-eulogizing the people buried there.  Or in some cases, exposing their secrets.

I’m also thinking of offering a tour based on the 25 political conventions that have been held (so far) in Chicago.  The stories are incredible, ranging from the convention that nominated Lincoln in 1860 to the one that triggered riots in the streets in 1968. Such a tour will also include Chicago’s own sordid political past…ugh…maybe not always past.  But it all makes for a great story. 

And any tour guide will also need to offer guests a day of “highlights” in Chicago, the must see attractions:  Wrigley Field, Lake Shore Drive, Museums, Parks, architectural wonders, stories of the Great Fire, ethnic neighborhoods, and tidbits about gangsters.  

Since the kids grew up and left home, and since Covid, and since my retirement—the fact is—I miss taking people places, learning along with them, and sharing hospitality.  

I just finished a series of books labeled as “legal thrillers.”  They were poorly written, but  sometimes I get tired of thinking and just need to shut my brain off.  They were the intellectual equivalent of junk food.  A little is okay, and goes a long way.  So now I’m turning my attention to books on Chicago mayors, titillating stories of the mob, secrets witnessed by the walls of famous buildings, and hidden gems a visitor will be thrilled to discover.

And by the way, the reason Chicago is called the “Windy City” is not because of actual wind.  After the Great Fire of 1871, the citizens boasted so loudly about rebuilding their city, that the rest of the world made fun of them—the city of windy citizens.  And so the stage is set to be a Chicago tour guide—plenty of wind.  But note—residents back then did rebuild it, with a splendor making it one of the wonders of the world.