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When I was born, my parents named me Kathryn Ellen, for my maternal grandmother and dear cousin. But no one ever called me by that name – unless I was in big trouble.
Instead, I was Kathy.
I did some research this week and learned that for the year I was born, and taking account for all the variations of spelling, it was the most popular girl’s name in Ontario by a large margin. So, no surprise that I went to school with more Kathys than any other name.
And there was a time when I struggled to be seen as an individual and not just another one of the Kathys. I also never really felt like the name suited me. The Kathys that were characters in the books I read or saw on TV were inevitably cheery, peppy, and popular girls; while I was shy, bookish, and kind of a loner.
In middle school, I decided to differentiate myself from the pack by changing the spelling of my name by one letter. It was a small change, but to me it felt like I was claiming my individuality and creating my own persona, because I was the only one who spelled my name that way. And do you know what? No one told me I couldn’t do it. Not my parents, not the school. I wanted to be seen as I was and I wanted to choose what my name was, and that was just ok.
My experience from decades ago cannot compare to what young people go through today if they are trying to claim a social identity that doesn’t fit into the gender binary. I hope that schools will serve as safe places for young people to be supported as they work out who they are, but there are those who won’t listen when young people tell them who they are, and refuse to see them as they wish to be seen. It is incredibly sad to me that there are people who claim to be in favor of parental rights and to be doing what is best for the children, really just want to push non-binary youth back into the shadows, back to the margins of society.
So, why is it important to use someone’s preferred pronouns? Why does it matter if we listen to and advocate for young people who are trying to understand who they really are?
Because it is the loving thing to do.
Because only the person themself can determine what their gender identity is, and this can change over time.
Because everyone should have the right to use the gender pronouns that match their personal identity.
Because being misgendered and/or misnamed might leave the person feeling disrespected, invalidated, and dismissed. This can be distressing and threaten the person’s mental health.
It has been shown that transgender and non-binary people are twice as likely to have suicidal thoughts than the general population, and are up to four times as likely to engage in risky substance use.
Conversely, using correct pronouns and names reduces depression and suicide risks.
Studies have shown that when compared with peers who could not use their chosen name and pronoun, young people who could had 71% fewer symptoms of severe depression, a 34% decrease in reported thoughts of suicide and a 65% decrease in suicide attempts.
I am very grateful that I was able to change my name without resistance or judgment. I pray that our young people be given the same understanding when they tell us who they really are.
Blessings, Kathi
Also: Please remember to wear orange if you like on Sunday, September 24 as we celebrate the National Day for Truth and Reconciliation, also known as Orange Shirt Day.
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