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Renee
Part 2: HOMING
Animals have an incredible instinct that guides them back to an area of origin despite having been relocated to many unfamiliar locations and having no direct knowledge how to return. In psychology, this comes up in the eternal debate of 'nature versus nurture’. When I taught about this debate in my classroom, I used examples of instinct that can only be understood as a force of nature.
I am fascinated by the plight of the red sockeye salmon t spawn upstream and travel down stream only to turn around on a life ending mission back upstream. In the process their body becomes so depleted of nutrients that it consumes itself. This process of self-cannibalization gradually turns their skin red and kills them from exhaustion. If not dying first by the frenzied grizzly bears or starvation, they eventually reach their spawning origin only to mate and die, starting a whole new generation.
This is not some morbid story of inevitable death by addiction where I continue. This is the story of the beauty of the journey of homing. I think of how many times I have tried to find the shortest route from point A to point B. I would always get my math papers back with the big red lettering, “SHOW YOUR WORK!” (This might have something to do with why I never made it through that Philosophy of Logic class.) But, it is a beautiful process to see the complexities of how we get from A to B, even if on occasion it does get mundane. Frederick Place, for me, is a part of this extraordinary journey of my homing and a vital part of the gratitude I have in my sobriety today.
Getting past the initial trek up the stairs and getting in the door to my new home was a whirlwind. Before I knew it, I was settled into the bottom bunk where I nested and adopted a dying cactus on my night stand, found a place to hold my book where I read at night, and grew to know fellow transient nesters coming and going on their own journeys. I had many roommates over the next two months of my stay. Many of whom shared their struggles and stories of addiction, economic downfalls, run-ins with the law, and health scares. I’m not here to share their journeys, but rather that of my own.
It was no secret that I wanted out of there. One may hear the words “homeless shelter” and envision sleeping on a blanket on the floor and carrying all your belongings with you each day, looking for your one lucky break to move beyond the discomfort of not having a home. However, this was nothing of the sort. I was never in want for anything. I always knew I had food to eat, a bed to sleep in, and a family to come home to. I am eternally grateful for all the local support that was directed toward Frederick Place. We often had warm meals and fellowship opportunities at dinner time, a safe environment, and supportive staff with numerous resources to hold us accountable for finding the answers we needed to move forward in our lives.
I was safe, satiated, supported, and sober. So why did I want to leave so badly? It was my addictive brain coming back into action trying to find the answer to the question of, “How do I get what I want and feel immediate satisfaction the fastest way possible while feeling as little discomfort as possible?” In previous days, I would have turned to the bottle to find the immediate short term answers. Those answers were what left me with these long term consequences. Determination was firing in me to fight off the urge to drink and propel me in the direction toward answers. As my sponsor told me in my second month of recovery: I was now becoming a solution seeker and not a problem finder.
With a goal oriented mindset and support at my fingertips, I set out each day to fill my inventory log with no stone left unturned, to seek out help and find solutions. I was learning to live humbly. I met with the staff to check in each morning and soak in all the resources they shared, walked the streets seeking employment, filled out aide forms, and stayed on the AA beam of recovery going to meetings and meeting my sponsor. Eventually, I knew I would find morsels that I would mold into the vision of my life that would become reality.
There was no shortage of days that I came back with little to nothing to add to my goals. Sprinkled among them were days that nuggets would bring great joy to me as they filled in a clearer picture of my future. The true comfort was that I was coming home each day to a community of people who were cheering in my corner, sharing in my frustrations and successes, a place I found comfort in having a meal and a pillow on which to rest my head. I shared many conversations giving and receiving advice about this phase of my life. Frustrations seemed all too present in many of our experiences which led to many leaving sooner than I. Despite wanting to leave, I carefully evaluated my options and knew stability was within the walls of this home and yet to be discovered elsewhere.
Through a process of rigorous honesty and persistence, I awoke one morning to a phone call from my future boss asking if I was ready to start working in marketing at a local publication. Dumbfounded, I rose out of bed smacking the soft patch on my head that had been hit many times before and ran down the stairs to share my news! My celebrations, small and large, were always met with eyes that lit up from the staff. I could not believe that this next phase was happening in my third week. Despite how many staff members said they knew I could do it, I was still trying to build back the self worth I spent decades breaking into smithereens. At the moment, living humbly meant owning who I was in the real world. While I figured out where that place was, I knew that for this moment, Frederick Place was where I belonged.
I knew cutting corners was not an option in this phase and chose to share in my interview that I was homeless, carless, had no experience in marketing, and just got out of rehab. I left out the parts about being kicked out, living in a hotel, totaling two cars, and waking up on a kayak in a stupor. I figured I’d spare them the details. But, I wanted this life of sobriety and was willing to do anything to get it. Through all my honesty of owning the faults in myself, I forgot to see the optimistic, empowered woman I am. I embraced the challenge of being honest and was accepted. What a powerful experience! I attribute my life and the future I have carved out into a career to my employers and Frederick Place.
There is no doubt that finding your way home is not easy with no directions. What is more evident is that there is direction if we take a moment to observe, let others guide us, be patient, have faith, and embrace the dirty work of the trek ahead toward home.
Renee
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