May 5, 2022
Dear Saints,
Since the presentation from our discernment committee about the results of the CAT (congregational assessment tool) survey, some of you have been wondering “why are we talking about conflict and what is that about?” So I’d like to talk about that this month and also invite you to engage in a church-wide process to help us become a healthier community as a focus of current work during our interim time. Read on.
First of all, why are we talking about conflict? Because 1) the survey revealed that 40% of the respondents to the CAT survey expressed concern about a “disturbing level of conflict within the parish.” And 2) conflict can be destructive and shows that the fabric of the community has been torn, so when an interim discovers there is conflict in a parish, the interim works to engage in mending the fabric of the congregation, for the congregation’s health and to smooth the way for a new rector to begin a new ministry with the parish.
Most people, when they think of conflict, only think of negative words. Fighting, hurt, blaming. But conflict is also an opportunity for growth and new understanding and the development of compassion and resiliency if it can be transformed. More about that in a minute.
But what is the conflict here, you may ask? It doesn’t seem like we are actively fighting about stuff at All Saints? Or are we?
Conflict is not necessary about active fighting. Here is another way of talking about what’s coming to light about our parish: from my own observations and from data collected through the survey, a number of folks are carrying hurts, disappointments (that may come out as anger or frustration) and even regrets from the past. And those hurts and disappointments may not be active right now but are lying in wait to be activated in the future. Think about how you may have seen this in friends or family - someone was mistreated by a spouse - say one party betrayed the other through an extramarital affair, which understandably created mistrust. If the injured party does not address this, then he or she is likely not going to be able to trust future relationships. And that will play out by the person being anxious and insecure and possibly acting in ways to “catch” a future partner cheating, even when the future partner has not done so, by going through mail or phone or “grilling” their partner about their activities. The expectation that “partners cannot be trusted” is employed whether or not there’s cause, setting up future relationships to suffer and potentially fail. Further, the person is very liable to regularly grouse to others about “men” or “women” and how they cannot be trusted, or embark on continued complaining about actions or words from their (even former) partner, causing others to “take sides” in “fights” that are not even theirs.
Our consultant told us of a parish with which she had worked that also scored high on “conflict,” and when she asked the group she was working with if they knew what the conflict was about, no one could say, until one man spoke up. He was in his mid-80s. He related the story of a previous rector who had embarked on an affair with a parishioner, which is a serious breach of pastoral authority and an actionable offense in the church. The bishop came in and removed the rector without discussion, and he told the vestry that the matter was to be kept a secret. The parish subconsciously learned from this experience that 1) rectors cannot be trusted not to misuse their authority, 2) the diocese cannot be trusted to be transparent, and 3) it is good to keep secrets. Every rectorship since that one had failed and the relationship with the diocese was riddled with suspicion. The action took place 50 years ago and those feelings of mistrust and secrecy had gotten into the system and in one way or another caused every rector to leave, under duress, for fifty years, well after most of the people involved in the original situation were gone!
How does this play out for us? It’s already playing out. On more than one occasion, I have expressed a thought, suggestion, or question which was met with a (sometimes heated) litany of past wrongs in that general subject area, sometimes including a statement of disappointment that I, too, was continuing a pattern of untrustworthiness. The upset at someone else got transferred to upset with me. While sometimes these kinds of things just happen, it is not conducive to good relationships when one begins to feel that they must walk on eggshells so as not to be lashed out at from out of the blue. It will be hard for a new rector to weather being lashed out at for past frustrations, and rectors are people too and may develop their own potentially unhealthy/unhelpful response to feeling under fire.
When a number of folks continue to feel these past wrongs as if they are still in the present, then it is really important to talk them out and let them go so that they will not create a culture of “grousing”or watching leadership to catch proof of feared untrustworthiness and endanger future relationships.
And as Dan Kniffen illustrated to us all in the discernment committee’s presentation, this kind of underlying tension results in low energy/low morale and is a real inhibitor to growth and vibrancy. It covers our light with a sort of shroud. The future of our parish depends on ridding ourselves of old baggage.
So, we have engaged our CAT consultant, Susan Czolgosz (pronounced Cholgosh), who is knowledgable and experienced in helping parishes work through a process she calls “conflict transformation” to work with us as a parish to bring underlying stuff to light and help us lay it down so we will not carry it into our future with a new rector. This is where you come in.
Our consultant has designed a two-step process of education and structured conversation for parishioners to participate in. The first step is to engage in a 3-hour interactive educational workshop that she will offer by Zoom (see below for dates) to be followed at a later date by (step 2) a reconciliation group gathering of 90 minutes, led by facilitators who have been trained by Susan. (These facilitators are your fellow parishioners, plus me.) We are asking you to engage in one 3-hour workshop and one follow up 90 minute group gathering, which is about the same amount of time as it takes to go out and play a round of golf. The folks who now has been trained uniformly reported learning a great deal from these gatherings and are already working through some of their own hurts and disappointments from the past. The reconciliation groups are meant to provide safe space for honest conversations, to encouraging letting go of past hurts and disappointments if possible, to remove that burden from people and to give the future a chance to unfold without past baggage continuing to play out. Even if you do not carry hurts yourself, your own witness and caring support as a listener to those who do speak is equally valuable to this process.
Please, I encourage you to engage in this process if you are at all able. This is a significant investment of your time, I realize. But Susan’s experience is that it is worth it to help folks work through and often put to rest old stuff and to help make All Saints a healthy parish that is ready to welcome a new rector and move into a hopeful new future together. So let’s get rid of the baggage.
So, first step: Choose one of the three Zoom workshops below by emailing info@allsaintsrichmond.org with your choice. Each workshop is limited to 20 people, so if you are able to attend more than one, please let us know so we can even out the numbers if needed.
- Tuesday morning, May 10, from 8:30 a.m. - 11:30 a.m.
- Wednesday evening, May 11, from 6:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.
- Saturday morning, May 21, from 9 a.m. - noon.
At the end of the educational workshop, you’ll be given homework - a simple sheet of paper asking you to write about your hurt / disappointment / regret. Then you’re ready for step two: signing up for an in person reconciliation group (of 8 people each) with a pair of our facilitators. We will be offering these group gatherings at a variety of times and locations and are working on a schedule for that now. I want to emphasize that these gatherings are not to be “gripe fests” or an exercise in dredging up old stuff to give it new life. Rather, we are engaged in a process of coming to terms with the things we are carrying that are weighing us down and letting them go to free us into new life.
At some later point, we will all gather as a parish for a ceremony to put these hurts and disappointments to rest.
Please remember, you must attend the 3-hour workshop before engaging in a reconciliation group.
Further, we imagine a few of you may not be able to do a Zoom workshop because you’re not “tech savvy.” I will offer an in person workshop at the church on Saturday, May 21 from 9 - noon. If you are at all able to attend a Zoom workshop with Susan Czolgosz, that’s the best. But if you simply cannot, please email info@allsaintsrichmond.org or call the office to indicate that you want to sign up for the in-person workshop with me instead.
And again, the folks who have now been through this process will tell you, it is powerful. Within it are the seeds of transformation and possibility. And if you have more questions before you sign up, please contact me at pnash@allsaintsrichmond.org or call me at the office.
Finally, these sessions are NOT the same as the listenings sessions that will be offered by the discernment committee. You’ll be hearing from them directly about those, which will be a completely different animal.
Blessings,
Penny
