LOVE AND LOGIC
Are kids facing more life-and-death decisions than ever? Are they being challenged at earlier ages with scarier choices about drugs, alcohol, sex, and violence? Clearly, most children are growing up in a more challenging world than we ever imagined. The consequences of mistakes are more serious than ever. Of great concern is the fact that many children are not being equipped with the survival skills necessary for making wise decisions about these pressures.
More and more children seem to believe that bad things can’t really happen until after their second or third poor decision. What do I mean? Perhaps an example will best illustrate this point.
Some time ago, I took my son to the movies. As we sat through the multitude of previews and ads for giant-sized, butter-flavored popcorn, I noticed two boys sitting near the front, throwing ice. Their parents were seated about three rows behind them. Mom walked up to them and said something like, “You stop that. I mean it. That’s one.” A minute or two later, the ice once again began to sail. This time Dad approached them and said very loudly, “Mom told you to stop that. Now that’s two.” Soon, the popcorn began to fly. Dad rushed back down to them and said, “Stop that. If you keep doing that, we’re going to have to leave!” Finally, after three or four warnings, these parents put some action behind their threats and took the kids home.
What happens when we give children two or three warnings before we deliver a consequence? We condition them to believe that they always can make at least two poor decisions before anything unfortunate happens. Does this give kids a strong defense against peer pressure? Absolutely not! Why? Because deep down they start to develop internal dialogues that say things like, “I can throw popcorn (or take drugs, have sex, drink and drive, etc.) at least two times before anything bad happens.”
I had a friend in high school who held this view. His parents always warned him at least three times before they followed through. He lived for a short while believing that nothing bad could happen unless he’d been warned at least twice. Then he died—the first time he went to a party, got drunk, and tried to drive home in a mountain snowstorm.
Love and Logic parents know that kids need to understand that bad things can happen after the first poor decision, without repeated warnings. How do they teach this? They set limits once and follow through with meaningful consequences rather than more warnings.
What’s this look like in the movie theater? Mom or Dad walks over and whispered, “Are you guys going to be able to behave or do we need to go?” If the boys act up again, Mom and Dad don’t lecture or warn. Instead, they say something like, “How sad. We’re going home now. And by the way, how are you guys going to pay us for the money we spent on tickets, soda, and popcorn? You can tell us later. Try not to worry about it.”
Thanks for reading! If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Dr. Charles Fay
