News from The RADish Ranch
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Greetings!
Saying "no" to your child can be hard - and if you have a child with RAD it can be even harder.
The meltdowns that can occur and the damage our kiddos can cause when they hear that word can be disastrous.
It can be so exhausting to deal with the fallout that it becomes easier to take that little word out of your vocabulary.
Unfortunately, when we don't stay firm with using "no" and teaching our kiddos the life lessons that come with accepting it, we limit their chances of getting strong and healthy and of becoming resilient, understanding adults.
We're here to help! This list of ideas, tips, & tricks are tried-and-true methods of working on teaching your kiddo how to appropriately accept "NO."
Stay safe and enjoy!
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Karen Poitras
President & Founder of The RADish Ranch
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First off, how to say NO properly:
Make eye contact with your child (soft, loving eyes) and firmly say "No."
Not "maybe," not "I'll think about it," not "I don't know," or "not right now." Just a plain old "No."
This sets clear expectations for your child and allows their brain to stop (or work on stopping...) their thought train. If we give a noncommittal-type of answer, their brain will keep trying to find a way to get a definite answer from you, and the continuous asking will go on and on and on...
If you are a parent who has a hard time saying just a plain "no," take some time to practice. You can do this with a friend or by yourself in front of a mirror. Practice the firm, no-extra-words-added NO, as well as loving eye contact.
Remember that this teaching process will take time, patience, and lots and lots of practice with your child. Think of it as teaching them a whole new language - it will be hard and frustrating and you'll feel like giving up - but it is very worth it!
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Teaching Appropriate Responses to NO
Always use love and connection in moments of teaching and guiding your child through emotional growth.
Learning doesn't happen quickly, so plan to have practice sessions with your child for teaching appropriate responses to "no."
1. Choose a time when you can spend 10 minutes of uninterrupted, one-on-one with your child.
2. Make loving eye contact, maintain positive physical touch (hold hands, hold them on your lap), and use humour.
3. Have your child ask you ridiculous questions, such as:
- "Can I eat ice cream for a whole week?"
- "Can we get an elephant for a pet?"
- "Can I go to bed at midnight?" etc...
4. When your child asks you a question, answer with a firm "no." Your child then responds with "Yes Mom/Dad."
5. Share a bit of silliness in between each question (cuddle, light tickle, dance moves).
6. Continue this back-and-forth interaction for about 5 minutes and then spend the remaining 5 minutes doing a brain-booster activity together or reading a story to them.
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"Good job handling NO!"
This is a very quick response for you to give before your child even has a chance to open their mouth to reply to you or argue with you!
When your child asks a question that has a NO answer, tell them, "No. Good job handling no!" and give them a high five before walking away and ending the conversation.
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"No, but you can have a raisin."
Leave a bowl of raisins on your counter or table. Whenever your child asks a question that has a NO answer, tell them, "No, but you can have a raisin."
This allows you to respond with the appropriate NO while also allowing your child to see that you are caring and providing for them.
(If they respond that they don't want a raisin, don't worry about it, this is just a fun way for you as a parent to help your child with this life skill.)
Idea taken from Britta St. Claire's book, 99 Ways to Drive Your Child Sane
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"If you're asking if I love you, the answer is yes."
This has become one of my favourite phrases to share with families during coaching sessions.
As Jennie explains in her book, sometimes when your child asks you for something or to do something, what their heart is asking is, "Do you love me enough to spend time with me/let me do things?"
When we answer "no" to their question they may hear us say, "No, I don't love you enough to want to do that with you/let you do that."
When we can respond to the underlying question with, "If you're asking if I love you, the answer is yes," we can reassure them of our love while still maintaining the boundaries that are needed in the situation.
-This doesn't mean you are changing your answer to their verbal question to a "yes," it simply means that while saying "no" to their verbal question you are saying "YES" to their heart question.
Taken from Jennie Owens' book, Dancing With a Porcupine
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Online Respite Training Course
Dates & Time: Tuesday & Thursday evenings at 7:00PM CST; September 7th, 9th, 14th, 16th, 21st, & 23rd.
Cost: $170.00CAD/person; $270.00CAD/couple
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“Behold, I will bring health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth.”
Jeremiah 33:6
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Box 58, Mariapolis, MB. R0K 1K0
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