Last week, I was working with our C Factor Program participants and talking about the journey of self-awareness and how it can be a lot to unpack when we realize who we are might not be who we are.
Huh?
Don't worry, this isn't an episode of Black Mirror. You are you. I'm not implying otherwise.
But who you are might be a product of who you thought you had to be rather than who you actually are. And it takes a heck of a lot of courage to recognize and acknowledge the difference and even more courage—we can even say it takes a lot of chutzpah to act on it.
The C Factor Program takes participants through a variety of self-assessments that may feel spot on or, at times, might feel off. It's not to say that these assessments nail it every time, but they do provide an opportunity for thought and reflection. It's a time to ask yourself, "Is this not me or is this not the me I thought I was or think I'm supposed to be?"
How does this happen?
We learn at an early age what's expected of us—whether those expectations come from society or even the people we love. We are shaped and molded by our lived experiences, cultures, environment, etc., and we are mosaics of others' influences on us.
We learn to adjust. We learn to build armor. We learn to wear masks. And, sometimes, the distinction between the two gets blurry or even forgotten.
Pursuing a journey of self-awareness and personal development can start to chip away at the armor and remove the mask we didn't even realize was there.
Whoa, that sounds scary. Why would we do that?!
Because courageous leaders know that it ultimately leads to better leadership—they're more aligned with who they are—their strengths, their priorities and values, and, ultimately, what they want out of life. And that equals confidence, strength, openness, and honesty — all characteristics we value in a leader.
Whoa, that sounds amazing. Why wouldn't we do that?!
Well, it's complicated.
Sometimes, we're just not ready.
Sometimes, we have to meet other basic needs first (e.g. food, water and shelter) before we have the ability to think about it.
But a big reason why not? Society or those around us might not be ready for it. It's easier when we live up to their expectations of us; when we forsake who we are in deference to keeping others happy. Living a life outside of these expectations can create tension, disappointment, and cognitive dissonance.
Read that last paragraph again. Is keeping others happy worth your happiness?
Before you slide into existential dread, you don't even need to answer that question because it's not zero sum. You can figure out who you are and make yourself happier, and that happiness will spread. It's contagious.
And did we mention the energy boost? The mask, the armor, the expectations—they are exhausting!
Being able to be ourselves is the natural energy boost most of us attempt to capture through caffeine, escapism, or even sleep (although sleep is definitely the one to pick out of those three).
Okay, I've sold you on this 'be yourself' mantra (and without a motivational quote written over a photo of a mountaintop, I might add!), but now what?
I'd love for it to be as simple as the advice our parents told us as children: "Just be yourself."
But going back to the start of this article, we might not even be sure of who we are!
So let's start small.
First, give yourself ten minutes and read through these articles:
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Why is being yourself so hard if it's key to successful leadership? This Forbes article explains.
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Why does more introspection not necessarily lead to higher self awareness? This HBR article breaks down self-awareness and encourages us to move from asking ourselves "why" questions to "what" questions.
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Why do others find it so hard when you "change"? This Inc article explains and provides great tips for how to lead resistors through the process.
And then, think about this question: What do I wish others knew about me?
If you're feeling extra courageous, hit reply and tell us! We bet you'll feel the weigh of that armor come off your shoulders the minute you hit send.
In the spirit of being courageous, I'll start and test it out myself.
Here's what I wish others knew about me:
Being slightly competitive (okay, okay, lots competitive) and achievement-oriented, I learned at a very early age that if you give others who hold the ability to dole out rewards such as grades, bonuses, promotions, etc. what they want, you're more likely to achieve them than if you do it your own way.
But I also realized that I didn't get there the same way as everyone else—I was (am) a mess behind the scenes—hundreds of tabs open on my desktop and in my head. Thousands of emails in my inbox. Creativity and productivity only hitting me at midnight or right before the deadline. All of it driving my engineering husband crazy (I swear I see his heart rate rise every time he looks at my desktop).
I could figure out what was expected of me, but delivering it using the process they wanted was often accompanied by stress, perfectionism, and exhaustion.
So the mask comes off—my name is Christine and I am not the organized person you think I am. But, dang, I'm still really good at delivering.
Your turn.
Best,
Christine
