"I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. "
-Alexander
Where does negativity come from?
We've all heard about the concept of negativity bias. As humans, we give more weight to things that go wrong than to things that go right. Dr. Rick Hanson has a great way of putting it, "We are velcro for the negative, but teflon for the positive." Historically, this stems from the vigilance we needed to be alert to dangers and to learn from mistakes that could be deadly. Our brains are wired to rapidly process negative information in order to keep us safe.
Other Sources
Negative behaviors are very often learned from a young age through conditioning. These behaviors can then become habits. It is also recognized that negativity stems from fears: of bad things happening, of rejection or of not being respected. What people "feed" to themselves through listening, reading and exposure can lead to negativity.
In today's world, these behaviors and bias can be harmful to our work, our relationships and our health. Negativity has a tendency to be contagious (think of a time when someone was venting and how quickly it soured people's moods around them). We aren't going to rid the world of all negativity, nor would we really want to. But we can learn to minimize its pervasiveness and impact on us.
Are There Weeds in Your Garden?
In his book, Think Like a Monk, Jay Shetty identifies 7 types of negative people. He says it's not so much the people themselves, but their behaviors.
Can you identify these tendencies in the people around you? How about in yourself?
Complainers
Find something wrong with anything. Nothing will ever be good enough for them.
Cancellers
Spin compliments into a negative and do not allow the positivity of the original compliment to sink in.
Casualties
Believe the world is against them and nothing they do will change that. They aren't accountable for what's happening and tend to blame others for their problems.
Critics
Find a fault with everyone they come across and have a tendency to judge others incessantly.
Commanders
Know their limits, but they pressure others to meet demands. Jay Shetty says you can identify commanders by the way they twist things, saying things like, “You never have time for me” even though they are also busy. Commanders can look a lot like complainers.
Competitors
Constantly play the comparison game and attempt to control or manipulate to make themselves and their choices look better. You may find yourself downplaying your own success because you know it won't be received well.
Controllers
Set out to control the people around them, their actions, and how they think and feel about certain situations.
Use the Right Tool for Weeding
Detach
Emotionally disengage. Objectively observe, use humor to disarm or change the topic. If this isn't working, physically create space & distance. Don't rush to respond. Walk away.
Limit Contact
This comes under healthy boundaries. Decide how much you can tolerate. It may be a day, a few hours or even a few minutes.
Don't Take It Personally
Most of the time, other people's negativity isn't about you. Give them the benefit of the doubt. More likely, it's just spilling over onto you. Let it roll off.
It's hard not to get defensive when negativity is aimed directly at us. Sometimes there's a kernel of truth in there. Approaching it with a willingness to learn can help us grow.
Give Yourself Permission Not to Fix or Carry
You don't have to take on someone's negativity. It won't serve you and it will quickly become heavy. You also don't have to fix it for them. You can listen without putting in energy.
Don't Water the Weed
Watering looks like feeding negativity. Maybe that's by joining. Maybe it's by reinforcing. But if you water the weeds, they will grow and there will be far less room to plant new seeds or for flowers to bloom.
What If You're the Weed?
We're human. It's bound to happen once in awhile.
- Become aware of your negative thoughts, emotions or behaviors
- Don't judge them. Neutralize them.
- Take a breath, get some distance
- Realize You are not your thoughts or emotions. You're just experiencing them and they're temporary
- Get Curious - What's underneath the negativity?
- Change your language - Try wording problems as opportunities for solutions or challenges
- Reframe your thinking - What could be good about this? How do I want to be thinking/feeling/acting?
- Take a baby step in a different direction
- Try starting your day by asking, "What am I excited for today?" "What am I grateful for" "Who can I encourage or support today?"
- Feed and water the parts of you that are flowers
Great Rule of Thumb
Research says that for every negative experience, it takes 5 positive ones to cancel it out. We all have negative moments. However, if you have a predominantly negative person in your life, try to have at least 3 who are consistently more positive. Seek them out!
