News from The RADish Ranch
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Greetings!
Kids with RAD can - and do! - make battles about anything and EVERYTHING. They believe fighting with their primary caregiver will keep them safe, so they fight with great gusto.
In order to stay sane(ish) and loving in the midst of the many battles, it's important to identify and let go of "junk behaviours."
Stay loving and sane, dear Moms and Dads.
Enjoy!
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Karen Poitras
President & Founder
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Let's break it down:
Junk Behaviours
Junk behaviours are the little, crazy, oh-so-annoying behaviours our kiddos do to get negative attention, control your emotions, and rile up siblings & pets, and that don't harm themselves or others - physically, emotionally, or mentally.
Sometimes junk behaviours are meant to grab your attention in order for your child to make sure you haven't forgotten about them, so make sure when you ignore a junk behaviour you ignore the behaviour and not the child.
Examples of junk behaviours:
- cracking their knuckles
- tapping their pencil
- sniffling
- banging chair/table legs with their feet
- et cetera, et cetera
- on, and on, and on...
Junk behaviours do NOT include teasing siblings or pets, hurting other people or animals, hurting themselves, damaging property, or being disrespectful or defiant.
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Making your list
Once you're ready to start, take a day or two to observe the behaviours your child displays and figure out which ones are junk behaviours. If you have more than one child make a list for each of them.
Take time to reflect on your list (a couple of days if needed), and figure out which ones you can let go of. If a behaviour makes you really, REALLY crazy and you can't ignore it, that's fine, deal with it with the Brain-Based Behaviour Intervention program & a consequence. Also don't let go of too many behaviours - your child needs to know you care and are willing to help them have a good life.
Choose 3 - 5 behaviours per child and make a list of them that you can keep handy - a note on your phone, post-it note (out of sight of the little people), etc.
The trick is to let go of enough junk behaviours that you can stay sane and loving, but not so many that your child feels you don't care what they do any more. A fine balance sometimes, but achievable with practice.
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The Junk Heap
This is the place where the behaviours on your list are going to go. Once they're on the junk heap - leave them alone! No one digs through the trash to find something they don't like, so don't dig through the junk heap to find a behaviour you don't like.
It might take some practice to leave things on the heap, so be kind to yourself and don't give up if you fall into a dumpster-diving episode.
Once a behaviour is sent to the junk heap leave it there for at least 60 days before even thinking of reevaluating it. Give yourself time to adjust and relax, and your child enough time to figure out that their weird behaviour is not affecting you or how much you love them.
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What do you do now?
From now on when your child displays a junk behaviour that you've sent to the heap follow these steps:
- Make a mental note that it's only a junk behaviour and you don't have to react.
- Take a deep breath. Or two or ten.
- Eat gummy bears. Or popcorn. Or whatever your most favouritest snack is.
If you feel like you MUST DO SOMETHING - hug your child or squeeze their shoulder. Best advice: keep you lips firmly together so no words can escape.
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Switching it up
Every 60 days or so reevaluate the junk behaviours you have on your list for each child.
Sometimes you'll find a behaviour has disappeared. When you step away from the battle your child may have no need to continue. When they realize you're focused on loving and healing them and not on the junk behaviours they can learn to let them go.
Sometimes you'll find that the behaviour is still there, as strong as ever. Leave it on the junk heap. Our kiddos have a very hard time learning form experiences, so they will need extra time to figure out what's going on. If a behaviour stays on the junk heap for a year, don't worry about it! Think how easy your list is to maintain when it's always the same. (Yes, it feels like Groundhog Day. Yes, that's ok.)
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Letting Go
It can be very hard to put behaviours on the junk heap and let go of them. It often feels like you are letting your child "get away" with it. In fact they aren't "getting away" with anything. When you send a behaviour to the heap you have taken control of it and how it affects you.
Most junk behaviours are an attempt to get negative attention, control your emotions, or to remain the centre of attention so they don't get forgotten or neglected. When you can see it as survival behaviour it's a little bit easier to understand and not fight about.
If you are struggling with ignoring the behaviours on your list either shorten your list and start out with only one or two things, or - and even better - rope a sane adult into helping you with this. Recruit a family member or friend that you can call or text when your child displays a behaviour who will encourage you to stay strong and be with you when you need them. They might also be the kind of person who will come over and hang out to help you stay regulated and eat snacks. Truly the best kind of humans.
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And sometimes, you just need to |
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All About The RADish Ranch
Are you wondering what we do at The RADish Ranch to
help families and children?
Join us for one of our 60-minute webinars and learn about Reactive Attachment Disorder, Therapeutic Parenting, and the services and treatment options that are provided here at The RADish Ranch.
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“Behold, I will bring health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth.”
Jeremiah 33:6
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Box 58, Mariapolis, MB. R0K 1K0
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