Honoring Your Grief
The moment that I learned of my son’s death, I knew that I had a rough road ahead to face my grief – a road that I did not want to travel down. I couldn’t imagine living life without my sweet boy. While I have experienced many losses in my life, none were so threatening to my well-being as the suicide death of my child. This loss is the worst I have endured, by a wide margin.
I knew that I had to find new ways of thinking about my life, and my family’s life. I threw myself into researching grief, taking courses, talking with other loss survivors – all along thinking that I could “think” my way through this loss. I learned a lot about grief. . . and I learned a lot about myself in the process. I learned that there is no one “right” way to grieve.
In all our training on grief, we learn about the things that we will naturally feel – guilt, regret, shame, overwhelming sorrow, emptiness – the list goes on and on. It has taken years for me to recognize the blessings that came with my sorrow. Gratitude, courage, compassion, hope, kindness toward others, and laughter are just a few feelings that help us to remember that with great pain there is always the possibility of joy.
Think about this: In the midst of our pain, we somehow manage to live our lives. We do our daily tasks, we manage to get out of bed, we manage to get to work, to get to the grocery store, we manage to be polite to those who want to help us, we manage somehow to get through each moment of every day under the immense weight of anguish and despair. There’s a reason we call the bereaved ‘Survivors.'
I call this strength. I call this fortitude. I call this bravery and courage.
How can we honor our grief, especially as the weight of the holidays is bearing down upon us?
Finding the good in things can foster gratitude and well-being. While we experience the pain of our loss, we can also look for the good things that make us joyful and laugh. There is good out there so we must be open to seeing it.
Connect. We heal through connection, we mourn through expression to others, we learn to hope again when we gain perspective on the blessings in our lives – including relationships.
Take your grief with you into nature. Your grief is sacred to you. You can decide to leave the chaos you are feeling, take your grief with you on a long walk or hike, go to the ocean, gaze at the mountains, or simply sit in the peace and quiet of the sunrise or sunset. Sit in the sun or work in your garden.
Establish routines and rituals to keep their memories alive. Create rituals to honor your loved one. Bake their favorite pie, watch their favorite movie, place something new at their altar – yes, it is perfectly fine to have an altar that moves from room to room and changes as you change in your grief journey.
Tell their stories: We honor our lost loved ones and our grief when we tell their stories. Their stories bring them back into our lives.
WHEN SOMEONE IS GONE
Donna Ashworth
When someone is gone,
you can bring them back,
for just a little while,
by talking them into life.
By painting a picture with your memories and your words,
breathing their essence back into existence,
for just a few moments.
When someone is gone,
you can see them again,
for a minute or two,
by being all the things they once were.
By allowing their best traits to filter through you,
shaping your words, your thoughts and your deeds,
back out into this world.
When someone is gone,
you can feel them again,
for just a moment,
by playing their music,
and singing their favorite songs.
By giving yourself up to the notes that brought them alive,
once upon a time, it will again.
When someone is gone,
you can keep a part of them alive,
by giving the love you had for them a forever place in your life,
a forever seat at your table and a glorious chapter in your book.
Stories never die, and boy did they make stories.
Tell them.
Rumi, a 13th century poet, says “where there is ruin, there is always great treasure." I have read about the idea of an 'emotional piggy-bank.' Think of a piggy bank full of positive emotions like hope, love, compassion, kindness, inspiration, peace, and serenity. Dip into that piggy bank when you need something positive.
These are some ways in which you can bring your loved one into your life. Each year, I find new ways to remember my son and to honor my grief. It is OK to be sad and sorrowful, just try to remember that there is a blessing in our pain, so look for those blessings.
Next month, I will share some strategies that I use to survive the holidays.
Much Love,
Marianne Gouveia
Co-Founder, EricsHouse