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Chayei Sarah- Subtle messages
For this year’s Parsha Lesson I will be focusing on a chinuch (parenting/ educational) lesson that can be derived from the Dvar Torah.
Background
At the end of this week’s parsha the Torah tells us about the passing of Avraham Avinu (our father). The Torah says that Avraham died ‘in good old age and fully satisfied.’ The Ramban explains that what ‘fully satisfied’ means is that Avraham did not have any more desire and longing for physical comforts or pleasures that were not satisfied. His ‘every desire’ was met and satiated.
Question
Why is this a praiseworthy thing to mention about the great tzaddik Avraham? Shouldn’t the Torah use some other praise or accolade with which to sum up the life of the greatest human being to ever live?
Avraham was a Navi, someone who spoke to Hashem. Avraham was a tzaddik, someone who did not do anything wrong and maximized all opportunities to do that which is right. Avraham was a Chassid, not what is colloquially referred to as 'Chassidim' but rather the level of human accomplishment which is referred to by chazal as ‘Chassid’ which is someone who is fully perfected and goes and above and beyond the law in his service of Hashem.
Wouldn’t these accolades be more befitting someone who was as great as Avraham- rather than the more mundane appellation ‘satisfied’ and be known as someone who did not desire any more pleasures?
Answer
The Ramban explains that this is, in actuality, very high praise of Avraham. Avraham was so refined, so developed of character and so perfected of any human flaw that he did not have the normal human reaction to the enjoyment of pleasures. The default way that people react to the enjoyment of pleasure is to want more and more and constantly desire and lust for the next level of whatever pleasure they have enjoyed. Avraham was not so. Avraham had comforts and pleasures, but he did not long for more. He was fully satisfied and contented from them.
Rabbeinu Yonah (Mishlei 11:3, and he echoes similarly in Pirkei Avos 4:1) explains how someone would attain this lofty level of harmony and perfection- whereby the entirety of the person, body and soul, are ‘on the same page’ and therefore fully satisfied from the pleasures of life. Rabbeinu Yonah explains that in order for a person to accomplish this, a person must have desire and drive in some area of spirituality.
Be it striving in their learning of Torah, perfecting their behavior, doing kindness with others, prayer and praise of Hashem, etc. If a person were to have a desire and passion for some path of spiritual greatness, then a person will be able to attain harmony of the body and soul. If a person were to continue to grow and develop in this, the person will not only be happy with what they have but they will actually be satisfied with the pleasures that this world has to offer and not just have an ever growing, insatiable thirst and hunger for more and more.
Of course, this is not all or nothing. The more that a person has spiritual aspirations and goals and desires, the more settled, happy and content a person will be. What is the ultimate goal? To be like Avraham Avinue and, as the Ramban tells us, David Hamelech, who were both fully contented and satisfied at the end of their lives. They enjoyed pleasures, but the pleasures they enjoyed contented and satisfied them.
Chinuch Lesson
As we see when it comes to passion and desire, the method endorsed by Rabbeinu Yonah is not to quash it and fight it, but rather to direct it towards a productive and meaningful end- the service of Hashem. Not to say that one should not exercise control and at times quash their desire when it comes out in a way which is not proper, but the way one will really master their desire is by redirecting it, not fighting it. And similarly by other character traits.
So often with our children, our students and with ourselves, we approach problems and challenges that we see ‘head on’ and try to fix them. If a child is lazy- we seek to make them more productive and energetic. If a child is too energetic- we seek to make them more calm. If a child is too angry- we seek to make them more passive and thoughtful. If a child cannot assert themselves- we seek to make them more passionate and assertive.
Now, it is certainly worthwhile to work on ‘fixing’ one’s flaws, and flaws that one perceives in either themselves or others in their care are not set in stone and people have an amazing ability to grow, change and transform themselves into completely different people. However, one must go about such missions with wisdom and thoughtfulness and therefore seek to work with a person’s natural tendencies and strengths and not against them.
If a child is energetic- try to tap into their energy and passion to do much good, not just focus on their not doing bad. If a child lacks energy- that is a child who may be more easily engaged in more cerebral thought processes and intellectual growth and a child who has the patience to think through more lengthy ‘trains of thought’.
We can either work harder and expend tremendous energy and time fighting our natural tendencies and the gifts that our children have, or we can work smarter and use our unique character traits and the strengths that our children have been bestowed, to become productive and successful in the unique areas of life carved out for us.
Wishing you and your family a wonderful Shabbos!
Rabbi Eli Meir Kramer
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