Background
The Ralbag (Bamidbar 5:12, 6:Intro) explains that there are 3 different types of peace. The most significant and meaningful peace is that of peace on a national level between different people and groups of people. For this peace it is most necessary to establish property rights and ways of adjudicating, in the event, inevitably, of disputes between peoples.
The next type of peace is the peace in one’s home- familial peace. For this peace it is most necessary for there to be peace between husband and wife, the heads of the home. For there to be peace between husband and wife it is most necessary for there to be established rules about intimate relations, exclusivity of intimate relations and a way to clarify and adjudicate should there be any concern or doubt as to the fidelity of the spouses.
The next type of peace is the peace that one has within themselves. For this peace it is most necessary for a person to rein in their animal spirit and establish the superiority and leadership of their rational, conscious part- their neshama. Once this is done, and the leadership of the neshama is firmly established, strengthened and reinforced, the entirety of the person will be at ease and settled in the knowledge that the captain of the ‘ship’, the union of body and soul, is making sound decisions on behalf of the entirety of one’s being.
These different types of peace are referenced in the Torah in Parshas Naso. First the Torah discusses first the halachos of swearing when one person claims from another person that he is owed money. After that, the Torah discussed the halachos of the ‘Sotah’, a woman who is suspected of not being faithful to her husband. And then, the Torah discusses the halachos of the Nazir- someone who takes an oath to be separated from certain physical pleasures.
The Ralbag explains further that while national peace is more significant and important than familial peace and that while familial peace is more significant and important than personal peace, the more significant levels of peace cannot be attained in a lasting and reliable way without first the attainment of the less significant levels of peace. In other words, a person must first attain personal, inner peace- establish the authority and leadership of their rational thinking part, the neshama, over their decisions and behaviors and only then can a person attain familial peace, peace between husband and wife. And society as a whole cannot endeavor to attain national or societal peace without the members of that society attaining familial or marital peace.
Question
Why is this so? Why can’t someone be at peace with their spouse without being at peace with themselves- without their neshama, rational thinking and reasonable self, being in charge? And why can’t someone be at peace with their neighbors and social circle without being at peace with their spouse, and being at peace with themselves?
In order to answer this question one needs to understand, fundamentally, what is peace and from there what are the factors that bring it about or what hampers it.
Peace is unity
R’ Aharon Feldman Shlita (Rosh Hayeshiva of Yeshivas Ner Yisroel) explains (in his book ‘The River, the Kettle & the Bird’) that there are 3 levels of peace between any two different entities: absence of conflict, joining forces in order to attain a greater good, and merged forces to create one.
An example of the first type of peace would be the peace that exists between Israel and Jordan. They are at peace with each other in the most basic sense- they are not in active conflict. However, they refuse to work together on any level- which is indicative of, and creates, a certain lack of peace, but a basic peace there is. An example of the second type of peace is any treaty between nations to accomplish something more. Take NATO for example. NATO countries are all separate and different than each other. Each one has their own identity and their own interests and goals, but they work together in order to accomplish their shared aims.
An example of the third type of peace is the United States of America. Each state is a separate and different entity than the other. However, they are so unified and together that they have become one. They each identify, on some level, with the other. They have merged their personalities, interests and aims so that the goals of one become the goals of all and the needs and difficulties of one become the needs and difficulties of all.
Necessary ingredient for unity
There is a passuk in Mishlei (18:1) which states ‘לתאוה יבקש נפרד’, ‘desire seeks separation’. Rabbeinu Yonah explains that one who seeks desire and goes after those desires, that person will be separated from any friend. Why? Because man is unable to handle the character of another person if they are drawn after their wants and they do not sublimate their wants in the face of their friend’s wants.
In other words, a person who goes after their desires and wants and does not have any control or will to make those desires and wants sublimated to their friend’s desires and wants, this person will never be able to get along with others. In order to attain those desires they may learn how to manipulate those around them, but only so far as their desire and physical needs demand. Once the pleasure is attained, or absence the need for this other person to attain the pleasures they seek, this person will not be able to handle another person- because that which drives them and motivates them is their selfish, animalistic spirit.
Rabbeinu Yonah is teaching us an amazing rule about life and getting along with others- if a person is able to put another’s needs and wants before their own, they will naturally become enmeshed in society and become a part of groups of people. People will gravitate to this person and become truly connected to them. If a person is focused only on their own needs and desires- they will become separated and disconnected from those around them.
Everyone is somewhere on this spectrum, either naturally or by development, and our job is to become more connected, more focused on the needs of others and to give to others than we are now. What benefit is there? Connection and unity/ harmony with those around us. Peace.
Now that we have established that peace, or Shalom, is the ability for two separate entities to attain unity and harmony with each other and we have also explained that what causes discord amongst people is their selfish focus on their own desires, we can now understand the Ralbag.
Answer
The Nazir is someone who senses that their animalistic spirit has gained the ‘upper hand’ and is now in the driver’s seat. How does a person establish the supremacy of the rational reasoning over their desire? The truth is that for everyone this is different. Some people have more powerful reasoning and intellect while others have a more powerful animalistic spirit. For someone who finds that their animalistic spirit is in charge and just too strong to contend with, the answer is abstinence and refrain. As Chazal famously say about desire and lust: ‘satisfy it and it will hunger, starve it and it will be satisfied.’
The animalistic spirit being in charge is not only detrimental to the rational reasoning of the person, it is dangerous for the body as well. On the other hand, when the rational neshama is in charge this is beneficial for the body as well. For example- the intellect is what directs a person towards bland oatmeal and a boiled egg for breakfast. Desire pushes for fruity pebbles, pancakes and ice cream. As the person’s body and animalistic spirit appreciates the wisdom of the intellect (the body feels good, healthy and taken care of) then the body will actually come to follow the intellect on its own and a ‘war’ against one’s desire will no longer be necessary.
The Sotah, who is the unfaithful wife, which represents marital peace and unity, is the next level of development in becoming a peaceful person.
A spouse is someone who one gets tremendous physical, emotional, and practical benefit from. A spouse is someone who is so close and intimately entwined in one’s life in a way which makes them, quite literally, one’s other half in another body. What this does is to force the rational reasonable part (which has established its authority over one’s own body) to now incorporate into the calculus of one’s decisions another person who has other needs- emotional, physical, etc.
However, this is not as difficult as trying to incorporate another person with whom one does not have such an intimate relationship, since the animalistic spirit is so satisfied and derives such pleasure from their spouse it is therefore much easier to unify with a spouse than it is to attain unity with someone else. This sets the foundation for a truly wholesome relationship whereby a person can become fully and wholly united with their spouse- body and soul. The key is however, each spouse must be able to still transcend their own personal, physical wants and desires and give and care for the other’s wants and desires, as if they were their own.
And finally, the last stage of the peaceful development of a person is their dealings with other people who are even more separate and distinct from them. If a person is able to attain unity with another person who is wholly different and outside of them, then the person has attained the lofty level of being a ‘man of peace.’ That is- someone who is so concerned and focused on the needs of others that they are as significant to a person as if they were their own. That is true ‘v’ahavta l’reiacha komocha’ and the optimal level of unity that we daven for when we pray- ‘and it will be on that day that Hashem will be King over all of the land’ and humanity will ‘form one group to do Your (Hashem’s) will.’
Let us daven that this should be the last Tisha B’Av and that we should attain that glorious peace and utopia for all of mankind.
Wishing everyone a good Shabbos and
an easy and meaningful fast,
Rabbi Eli Meir Kramer
