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Vayetze- Balance
For this year’s Parsha Lesson I will be focusing on a chinuch (parenting/ educational) lesson that can be derived from the Dvar Torah.
Background
In this week’s parsha we read about Yakov traveling to Charan, to the house of Lavan, in order to find a wife for himself. When Yakov arrives in Charan he goes to the well, the ‘water cooler’ of the times, in order to find out about Lavan and how to go about acquiring for himself a mate.
Yakov greets the shepherds and, after confirming that they know Lavan, inquired as to how Lavan was doing. The Seforno explains that the reason why Yakov asked as to how Lavan was doing was in order to know how to greet him. Because ‘it is not fitting for a guest to greet his host when he is happy or otherwise (sad) in the same way.’ In other words, in order for Yakov to know how to properly greet Lavan when he comes to his home, he would need to calibrate his greeting in accordance with what Lavan’s mood was.
Question
Why was this so important that this was the first thing that Yakov asks about Lavan? Yakov just traveled a long journey, he would like to find Lavan’s house, find out about what type of person he was, why is it at the top of Yakov’s mind, according to the Seforno, what is the ‘matzav ruach’ (spirit of the moment) in Lavan’s home?
Especially being that Yakov was a very sharp fellow and very socially capable, wouldn’t he quickly be able to size up the situation and figure things out for himself? Why was it so important for him to know about this beforehand?
Answer
The Rambam, famously writes about the all important ‘golden middle path’ that a person should pursue in life. A person should never be too profligate with their money, nor too tight-fisted. A person should not be overly righteous or constrained, nor overly free spirited and carefree. A person should always seek the middle path with whatever it is they are doing. At times, a person may need to lean more towards one direction of behavior than the other, for a time, in order to re-center one’s equilibrium, but the middle, golden path, is what one should always strive for.
Just as this is true by actions, a person should also seek the middle path when it comes to their character and emotional ‘balance’. A person should seek to not be overly ecstatic nor overly down. A person should try to not get angry, but they should also not be devoid of feeling or passion. This middle path is widely recognized by mental health professionals and people across the world as being of profound importance for a person to be healthy and successful.
What we see here, by Yakov, is the responsibility for someone to be concerned about disrupting another person’s emotional state and the care one must have for someone else’s mindset. This ‘derech eretz’ (proper behavior in areas of conduct) is of such importance that when Yakov came to Charan it was on the top of his mind and thus the first thing he inquired about. For Yakov to greet Lavan in an excited way, even briefly before he properly sized up the situation, when Lavan was feeling down, would be disrupting Lavan’s emotional state and balance and therefore be a breach of derech eretz. Similarly, if Yakov were to greet Lavan in a more muted and somber way if Lavan was experiencing great joy would be a breach of derech eretz and improper.
Chinuch Lesson
How important it is to demonstrate and model proper derech eretz in dealing with the emotions of those around us. For our children, and/or our students, to see how a proper person deals wisely and thoughtfully with those around them and seeks to be as pleasant as possible is not only something of importance for them to learn themselves, but enables us to really connect to them and therefore impact them.
Someone who is sensational and ‘shocks’ the emotions of others may get their attention and may command their respect in the moment, but they will not be able to really make headway in getting others to take to heart what they say in a way that will have an impact on them. Why? Because the emotional roller coaster does not allow the message to be inculcated into a person’s psyche in a way which is consistent and ‘works’ for where the person is. The tumult just goes to further throw off the balance and equilibrium of the listener. As Chazal famously say- the words of the wise, with pleasantness (without excessive emotion), are listened to.
Famously, the Altar of Slobodak would deliver his shmuzim without any emotion, movement, or even changes in his tone of voice. The emotional reaction to what he was delivering, he left to the listener to decide for themselves, thus affording them the opportunity to inculcate the message in a way which would work best for them. Of course, it is primarily important for a teacher or parent to capture the attention of their students or children. But to think that there is no cost to stimulation or emotional enrapturement by the way of a message’s ability to take hold in a person, in a way which can be absorbed into their being, would be a big mistake.
Wishing you and your family a wonderful Shabbos!
Rabbi Eli Meir Kramer
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