First off, clearly not all fear is bad. Knowing when there is a real tiger on the path ahead is a key factor for survival. Primal fear ignites our physiologic alarm system, alerts us to danger and initiates action. It's the fight, flight or freeze responses we've all experienced.
Fear arises from a threat of harm - physical, emotional or psychological - real or imagined. Although we are hardwired for this response, we also learn to be fearful.
Mind Trap Fear
Ever realize (usually after the fact) that those "very real" fear-based thoughts & feelings you were so sure of were wrong? Turns out they were completely manufactured by your brain. Even the most rational, analytical brain gets hijacked from time to time.
What's happening here?
Maybe a current situation triggers a memory of a bad experience or trauma. We generalize the old feeling of pain and avoid a host of situations to stave off more perceived discomfort. Sometimes this is conscious -- many times it's not.
We may be focusing primarily on the worst-case scenario which:
A. is not the only potential outcome and
B. statistically is highly unlikely to ever occur
We're collecting external data that feeds our fears or is designed to scare us and we're not balancing it with other viewpoints or facts.
These patterns create unproductive fear that can paralyze us, limiting our ability to act, change, move forward and grow. We stay stuck in the same loop. Our brain becomes expert at telling ourselves we can't possibly do something, change something, be something. The fear warns us we will fail, lose, be judged or blamed. We believe the messages of fear even though they may be old, outdated and incorrect. Not only do they prevent us from living life, they keep us afraid.
"I'm not afraid"
Ever avoid something you know is good for you? The reason might be fear. Many of us avoid situations, tasks, places or people. We put things off. We may give another reason, but often fear is at the root. And the smarter we are, the better we are at rationalizing, intellectualizing or justifying our avoidant behavior. Our brain is trying to self-protect, but it's operating with outdated information. We've been conditioned to perceive situations as threatening or painful. The problem with avoiding is that we habitually reinforce our fear center's certainty (the amygdala) that we can't handle whatever the "it" is.
Fear of Failure
EVERYONE fails. No one starts out an endeavor planning to make a mistake. Mistakes can be costly, thus the fear factor. Yet failure can turn out to be brilliant. Chemist Spencer Silver failed at making a strong adhesive and low and behold the sticky note was invented.
Failure is inevitable and we can learn from it. Tons of hugely successful people swear that failure is a better teacher than success. Seeing the process as an experiment can help us mitigate risk, accept mistakes, learn and adapt. It's in the accepting that some level of failure is bound to happen that helps to lessen the fear. It can also help to remember, "No matter how many mistakes or how slow your progress, you're still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying. ~ Tony Robbins".
Productive Fear.
Sign me up! These are fears that challenge and motivate us to embrace a new opportunity, climb that mountain, reach for the next monkey bar. You know that feeling when you are nervous, but also excited at what could be? Think of the times you were scared but still willing to try. Or when your fear helped you to be better prepared. Productive fear propels us to do things we couldn't do. Accomplishment gives us competence which leads to confidence and then ideally less fear!
Ways to Manage Your Fear Monsters
You guessed it - Fear doesn't go away in life. We can however become skilled at understanding our fears, using the ones that are productive and lessening the ones that keep us stuck.
Facing our fears is uncomfortable and makes us feel vulnerable - generally not a state most of us want to spend time in.
Brené Brown, researcher, academic and author believes you can't get to courage without the ability to deal with uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. She's not alone -
Courage
When we can cope with our fears, they lessen and often disappear. Start small but start with something that matters.
Using your courage:
Notice
Is a fear impacting your life right now?
Recognize
Fear is a message that something important to you feels threatened
Identify
Simply naming a fear can often lessen some of its power
Breathe
Take even inhales & exhales and allow yourself to feel the sensations. Calming breath initiates our relaxation response system and gives us the space to tolerate discomfort. This is important to do before you dive into the cognitive work of unpacking and problem-solving.
Move
Preferably in nature. Nature calms us and physical activity requires us to use our brains to think differently which can switch us out of irrational fearful thoughts into clearer thinking.
Remember
Just because it feels scary doesn't mean it's actually risky.
Ask Questions:
Understanding can give us a sense of control and the power to act.
- What are the components? - fear of rejection, failure, loss etc.
- Why? - Try asking Why 5X to get to the root
- Scale 0-10, How severe is the threat?
- How else could I think about this?
- Is there a way to make this fear more productive?
- What, if any, actions can be taken to reduce or eliminate the threat?
My Favorite:
- What would happen if this fear isn't true?
Get Perspective
This might mean seeking new information, other opinions, or even zooming out to see how you've successfully handled this fear or one like it before. Perspective can help us to reframe, resolve & create new meanings that put fears to rest.
Access Your Supports
Sometimes the smartest tool in our toolkit is the piece of paper that says, "Reach out".
Adopt a Growth Mindset
It's more about making progress than being perfect or right.
- Speak to yourself with present tense positive statements: I am aware. I can make good decisions. I am competent and capable. These increase in effectiveness if instead of I you say your own name.
- Use your imagination to visualize handling the situation. Our imagination gives us power, creativity and the ability to think outside the box.
- Start using the word "yet" more often
- Believe that you can overcome this fear with skills, practice & perseverance
Decide, Act & Assess
You may decide to act or not act but make that an intentional decision.
Telling someone your plan will increase accountability.
Assess how you're doing along the way so you can make adjustments.
Going after what we want in life often involves fear, risk or doubt. How we respond is what sets us apart. Don't let fear rob you of living your life with joy, growth and connection!
