Expectations are beliefs we have about what might happen in the future. They also describe what we think is supposed to happen. Inherently, we often assume expectations should just naturally be met with little or no effort on our part. And I'll give you a hint- they usually contain the word should.
Basically, we all have expectations of everything in our world... from ourselves, to others, to our work, to our health, to our planet... you name it and I bet you have an expectation about it. And whether they are met or not met, our expectations affect our mood and impact our response.
Here are a few examples:
"I'm paying a ton of money for this dinner and it should be perfect" (High)
"The ratings for this movie aren't very good. I don't have high hopes" (Low)
"I wonder what this is going to be like..." (Zero)
"My friend should be there for me and listen no matter what is going on for her/him" (Unrealistic)
"I expect drivers to obey traffic rules" (Realistic)
"I should get this promotion"
"I'll never ..."
"I'm young, I shouldn't have to think about my weight"
Expectations also fall into categories of high, low, zero, realistic and unrealistic. Some are essential, like expecting others to obey traffic rules or get a call back from your doctor. Some help motivate us, like when we expect we will try (Not achieve perfection) our best. Research has shown that believing 'you can' really does impact the likelihood of success.
When Expectations & Reality Collide
The problem comes when expectations & reality don't align. This can result in significant stress. Why? Despite our best attempts, we can't predict the future and many things are not in our control. Think the last 7 months and Covid.
Frequently, unmet expectations fall into these categories:
"Life should be fair"
"Opportunities will fall in my lap"
"Everyone should like me"
"People should agree with me"
"I can change him/her"
"It should be like that... (picture perfect social media post)
If you spend more time feeling unhappy, disappointed, angry, frustrated, sad, ashamed or resentful with yourself, others or situations ... chances are you need to take a closer look at your expectations. If you hold yourself to such high standards that you are unwilling to try, to make a mistake or even fail, chances are your expectations could use a little tweak.
Our unmet expectations about the past may create feelings of grief and shame. Our forecasted unmet expectations about the future can manifest as feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, hopelessness and impatience. I suppose if we didn't have any expectations, we would just take things as they come and deal with them. But that would be exhausting, since we would never be able to rely on systems and everything would be constantly new.
So what to do?
We want to aim for healthy expectations. Understanding what is in your control and what is not is a key factor. So is flexibility. Carol Dweck, author of Mindset, offers this: "It is in having flexibility in our expectations and being willing to change track without self-blame that has been shown to increase well-being."
Some ideas to try:
Limit using the words Always and Never in your thinking & vocab.
Rarely is anyone or anything always or never.
What is your level of effort?
Check in - If your effort is not a component, be wary.
Remember, no one is a mind reader
Clearly communicate with others- this means clarifying, listening and
validating both what has been heard and said. Pay attention to non-verbal cues. The clearer we are with one another and able to establish common areas of agreement, the more likely things will go as we are hoping. And still, they will go awry? Why? Oh yeah--because we are human and cannot control how other people think, feel and react!
Keep it Real
Ask yourself -
- Am I expecting this person to be just like me? How is that even possible?
- Am I expecting someone to act exactly how I want them to? This is a game you are sure to lose. Relying on the way others act or react as a base for our feelings of happiness, worth or confidence is a sure fire way to experience many miserable moments.
- What am I expecting to happen? Is that realistic?
Try running it by someone who can be a neutral critic.
- Is this even going to matter tomorrow, next week or in 5 years?
Getting perspective can make all the difference.
Stay in the moment as often as you can
Be aware of your thoughts and what you might be expecting so you can check in, see if they're realistic and adapt. When we're not in the now, we easily slip into our thoughts and stories about what should be happening, how someone should be acting, or how we deserve to be feeling X,Y or Z.
Avoid Comparing
Research has shown that we may not fully appreciate what we have when we are expecting more or comparing what we have to what we could have.
Remember, social media portrays the "best".
Try using the phrase, "I want this..., and I could also be okay with this..."
This forces you to consider options and alternative means to feeling satisfied.
To flip that:
If you can imagine handling the worse case scenario (which is often least likely) and being okay with it, then whatever does happen will feel more like a win.
Self-Compassion
Give yourself a moment when things don't go your way. It's normal to feel disappointed or hurt or upset. We're human. Be kind to yourself and then readjust.
Reflect on the points above.
When we are too tied to our expectation, we sometimes miss what's here.
What positive did come of it? Savor that.
What could you do differently next time?
Becoming more aware of our expectations and how they impact how we feel about our reality can free us from some stress and disappointment and enhance our joy and satisfaction.
