When I came into the program some forty years ago, I heard the then old timers say, “First, I came to the meetings; then “I came to believe in the program,” and then. “ I came to believe in a Power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity.” How cute! Oh, did I have a lot to learn.
I came into this program thinking I had so much to offer giving my background of having been a minister, a counselor. Yes, I had a lot to learn and a lot more to unlearn.
I sat in meetings judging people for what they were saying, the cheap clichés, the jokes, the drunkalogues. What was I doing with “these people?”
Thanks to my Higher Power and my arrogance I stayed around long enough to get sober. Initially I wanted to show my boss that I could stop drinking as well as show my Aftercare Counselor I was doing more work than those in our Friday evening group. In fact, all I was doing was going to meetings. When I look back at that time I realize, “I came” to the meetings and, what I heard was sinking into and changing my stinking thinking.
For almost five years “I came” to the meetings and that was it. Oh, I did “Do” the steps. In fact, “I finished them.” Then I had an experience that got my attention, that I needed help. Doing the steps, superficial as I was, was getting to me and finally brought me to the realization of my powerlessness
“I came to believe” in the program. Yes, no one could explain to me how or why it worked. It just worked. Go to meetings. Read the Big Book. Talk to your sponsor.
Then someone said to me that when I go to meetings, I needed to listen to what “those folk” shared and ignore the differences. I needed to Read the Big Book and apply it to myself. I needed to talk to my sponsor and also listen to him.
“I came to believe in a Power greater than myself.” Yes. I believed in God but, the God in which I believed was a vengeful one. My God was “out to get me.” I lived in fear of the God in whom I believed and prayed to. I knew there was a loving God and I talked about him/her. And then I read “create your own image of God.” This brought me far outside my comfort zone. Now, I needed to talk to my sponsor. I needed to talk to those who not only thought as I once did but also to those who thought differently from me and who could challenge me and my belief system; take a good look at step one again and ask myself, “Would a healthy person do what you did?” “Do normal ethical people do what you did?” The answer was staring me in the face; hit me on the back of the head like a hammer. My behavior was that of one who not only had lost his values but also insane. I had a difficult time in accepting that kind of insanity. “It wasn’t my fault. I just drank too much.” “I don’t remember that. I can’t imagine me doing that.” “I can’t imagine me saying that.”
“I came to believe in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity.”
That Higher Power helped me accept myself as a human being; as one with a disease called addiction; that I made, can, and will make, mistakes and I can now go on living. Sanity is accepting that I am not perfect in any form. Sanity is to be responsible. To be responsible is to be able to respond and not always react. To be sane is to have peace of mind even when I make mistakes. To be sane is to enjoy the here and now of living in the present.
In returning to Steps one and two I finally understood the process as I came to believe I had to work and live steps one and two before I could learn to trust self, others and the God I would call my Higher Power, and a Higher Power I can call God.
