Jane M. Phinney
“
Be gracious to me,
O Lord, for I am pining away; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are dismayed. And my soul is dismayed; but Thou O Lord—how long?”
(Psalm 6: 2&3) This is where I found myself yesterday morning. And this is where I am, again, this afternoon. Sometimes life just happens too fast to process one thing before another, & another, & another comes along. Before you know it, you can’t remember who you asked to pray for what. Welcome to my mushy brain!
The past 6 weeks, our lives have stayed in transition
. Death is not considerate & it arrives whether you are ready or not. So do the consequences of another’s impulse decision that altars their life forever & leaves you numb on the sidelines. Add to that the emergency surgery for my son-in-law’s brain aneurysm (last week) & the move of our other daughter & family (this week), landing them 16 hours away. Meantime, my Honey & I have had multiple appointments & undergone tests. It appears that I’m heading for back surgery. And the jury is still out on whether, or not, he will be too. You know how these things play out. Within each of these situations are hundreds of communications by phone or text. That’s just how it is. But it
does
leave you tired, inside & out, as the dynamics intertwine with each other.
As Nate was being evaluated at the hospital
in CO, we were party to the 3am birth of a precious baby girl in our small fellowship. What a contrast! By the time I saw the picture of my son after surgery, I cried like baby Emma. Only I couldn’t stop. I just kept thinking, “We came so close to losing him!” My heart felt like it would burst. And that feeling hasn’t fully left since. While facing unknowns, God is faithful & true but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t acknowledge the pain we experience. Often it means that we are even more vulnerable because knowing Him keeps us honest. So I’m sharing with you because just maybe you can relate. I keep running back to Him, to the Truth, to keep my emotional & spiritual balance.
So much
goes on in other lives that we cannot judge by outside appearances. As my friend Maggie says, “Growing old isn’t for sissies!” Amen to that! 😊
Today I decided to
catch my breath
by writing less & sharing another poem I wrote instead. It was some years ago during another period of disillusionment. I was blessed to read it again because its sentiments “go for the jugular,” as they say. Bless the Lord, in these moments the words just flow. I pray this Truth meets you in whatever messy situation you find yourself today. People can’t see your soul. But He can, & underneath our lives are His everlasting arms…
always
.
Suffocation ©
Alone in the darkness
I cry on my bed
Sleep’s comfort eludes me
Thoughts swirl in my head.
“Save me, dear Lord!”
I plead in despair
Anxious thoughts grip my heart
No answer is there.
I give & I give
But still life demands more
When is enough, enough?
And what’s it all for?
My lists never end
Sometimes I can’t breathe
But still it’s expected
Other’s fears I’ll relieve.
“Do this!” they say
“You could help out a lot!”
While I struggle to survive
Other’s goals fill my slots.
Lord, help me protect
The heart of my calling
To say “no” to the extras
When foundations are falling
Humbly I bow
To meet You in prayer
Boldly I rise
Reassured of Your care.
Though many may criticize
The choices I make
Keep my resolve firm
For Your name’s sake.
