Fortunately in the human world, compassion is not as rare an occurrence...
Mark was walking home from school one day when he noticed the boy ahead of him had tripped and dropped all of the books he was carrying along with two sweaters, a baseball bat, a glove, and a small tape recorder. Mark knelt down and helped the boy pick up the scattered articles. Since they were going the same way, he helped to carry the burden.
As they walked Mark discovered the boy’s name was Bill, that he loved video games, baseball, and history, that he was having a lot of trouble with his other subjects and that he had just broken up with his girlfriend. They arrived at Bill’s home first and Mark was invited in for a Coke and to watch some T.V. The afternoon passed pleasantly with a few laughs and some shared small talk, then Mark went home.
They continued to see each other around school, had lunch together once or twice. They ended up at the same high school where they had brief contacts over the years. Finally, the long-awaited senior year came, and three weeks before graduation, Bill asked Mark if they could talk. Bill reminded him of the day years ago when they first met.
“Do you ever wonder why I was carrying so many things from school that day?” asked Bill. “You see, I had cleaned out my locker because I didn’t want to leave a mess for anyone else. I had stored away some of my mother’s pills and I was going home to commit suicide. But after we spent some time together I realized that if I had, I would have missed that time and so many others that might follow. So you see, Mark, when you picked up my books for me that day, you did a lot more. You saved my life.”
Compassion is about intention and action.
Compassion is a practice and like all practices, it can be learned. It's different from empathy which is feeling what another person is feeling - putting yourself in their shoes. It's also different from sympathy, which is understanding what another person is feeling even without feeling it yourself - acknowledging another's struggle. Compassion is when we experience a caring concern for others AND we are motivated to take action to alleviate the suffering.
Numerous studies of both compassion and self-compassion have shown benefits that include increased happiness, reduced stress, improved medical outcomes and increased social connection. Even better, the benefits go both ways - to the recipient and the giver. What goes around, comes around.
Turning Compassion Inward ... The U-Turn
Self-compassion is rooted in Buddhist psychology and is a way of relating to oneself with kindness. The 3 key elements are self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
Instead of judging ourselves harshly, we speak to ourself as we would to a good friend.
Self-judgment is isolating and distorts reality. We start to believe everyone else is fine and we are "the only one" who has ever experienced this. Self-compassion recognizes we are not alone. Everyone experiences challenges and hardships. It's simply part of the human condition.
When we over-identify with our problems, failures or painful situations outside our control, we become self-absorbed and can't get out of our own way. "I failed" becomes "I'm a failure." Self-compassion allows us to become neutral observers and recognize that our feelings and thoughts are real, but not necessarily true. This affords us the space to determine the result we want and how we need to think and act to get there.
Self-compassion does not make our challenges smaller, but it does help make us bigger by giving us more capacity to tolerate and manage our experiences. Taking the U-turn also increases our ability to practice compassion with others.
So why is it so hard to do?
The Myths of Self-Compassion
While compassion for others is encouraged by our society, it is often frowned upon for ourselves. Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Chris Germer, experts in the field of self-compassion, have identified and debunked 6 common myths.
Does one ring a bell for you?
"Self-Compassion is Selfish"
Pretty common belief especially for women who are socialized to care selflessly for others but aren't always taught to care for themselves.
The reality is that being good to yourself actually leads you away from self-preoccupation and gives you the emotional resources you need to be good to others.
"Self-Compassion is Dressed Up Self-Pity"
When we are harsh with ourselves, we become more self-focused, have less energy and end up more depleted and stuck. Self-pity exaggerates our distress. Self-compassion helps us to be more willing to accept our experience and acknowledge the difficult feelings which enables us to start to move forward.
"Self-Compassion is Weak, Cowardly, Passive"
Self-compassion is frequently mistaken for "being nice" all the time or a doormat. Self-compassion calls for action to alleviate suffering, whether that is protecting by creating boundaries, providing by meeting our own needs or motivating like a good coach. Whether you are your inner ally or your own worst enemy determines your ability to get through tough situations.
"Self-Compassion Leads to Self-Indulgence"
Self-indulgence gives us short-term pleasures at the cost of long term harm. Self-compassion is not about giving ourselves whatever we want. It's about choosing long term well-being over short-term pleasure. Think - taking a walk vs eating a quart of ice cream.
"Don't We Need Self-Criticism Sometimes?"
There's a big difference between harsh self-judgment and constructive criticism. Listen to the tone you use. When we care about ourselves, we can point out concrete ways to do things better. We can also come up with more options. While listening to the voice that says, "Wow, you really suck at this" may motivate you to try harder, it may also make you afraid to try at all or give up sooner.
"Self-Compassion Inhibits Motivation to Improve"
Self-compassion is self-acceptance. It's also taking action. It's honest recognition and accountability for failure AND encouragement to move forward. We can maintain self-confidence, feel supported and learn from our mistakes. We strive to achieve because we care, not because we're ashamed or afraid.
Experiment With the U-Turn
Think of this as a skill you haven't developed vs a reward you don't deserve.
The next time you're beating yourself up or find yourself in a difficult space:
1. Bring Mindfulness to the fact you are suffering.
“I’m struggling. “
“This is really hard right now.”
2. Recognize Common Humanity
“Struggle and failure are a part of life.”
“I am not the only one who has felt or experienced this. “
“Everyone has an Achilles heel. “
3. Give Words of Kindness to yourself.
Use a gesture- try putting your hand over your heart
Think of what you would say to a good friend and say it to yourself
Use a warm tone & supportive language
“I care.”
”What can I do to help?”
Wishing you all safe, healthy, and joyful holidays!
