A Note From the Head of School:
"Nothing's Right When Your Underwear's Too Tight." Dorcey Flynn
It's hard to be a parent, and it can be REALLY challenging navigating treacherous waters when your children begin develop their own style and want to sport THEIR fashion choices. This is part of growing up, but it sure was easier when I could dictate what they wore! For my both girls, all of a sudden when they were four and two and a half years old, they woke up one day and basically refused to wear their entire wardrobe except for 3 outfits that were all too small, stained and out of season. After many conversations, tears and angst (mine), I came to understand that the girls would only wear skirts or dresses that twirled. This went on for at least 2 years until they refused to wear basically any dress or skirt or other article of clothing unless they defined it as "sporty but cute." There was "I am a designer and I am going to make my own clothing," dark colors of middle school, thrift shop selections of high school, and I have come to understand that about 50% of the time, anything I purchased for them would not be "correct." I also tried not to praise any one outfit too much for fear that they would reject it simply because I like it too much!
Apparently, this journey towards finding one's identity cuts deep. Last year, when my oldest begin writing high school essays for college admission, she told me she almost submitted an essay about how I refused to buy her a very unflattering, ugly brown bikini when she was a freshman. When she kept questioning me as to why I would not purchase the turd-like garment, I told her that it was very unattractive and it would not suit her in any way. Her argument then and now remains, "If I feel good in it and think I look good in it, that is all that should matter." She said she was so shocked and hurt that I was so callous about one's need to look attractive. My argument remains, "It is my duty as your mother to let you know when clothing is unattractive on you or does not fit you properly. And it is my credit card." But I obviously didn't realize the impact of my statement of frustration over a cheap bathing suit.
For many people, you can see their identity is closely tied to what they wear. Articles of clothing help children define their individuality or help them to feel like they fit in. What I find fascinating is watching my children grow and seeing them ebb and flow out of those two needs. I remember when I was in high school, I had to have the white Benetton Rugby shirt with the blue stripe and a Swatch. Who doesn't remember the importance of having the correct sneakers in middle or high school? It is important to allow children the ability to engage in this journey of self discovery.
It has been challenging to cultivate my daughters' spirit of individuality and deep sense of self while carefully working not to destroy their self confidence. My quest was always to keep them safe from harm ("Those shorts are too short."), free of the unkind words of others ("That t-shirt is from 5th grade and it looks silly on you."), and having them represent the values of our family ("We don't wear shirts that have swears on them.").
To get us through these challenging waters, I try to incorporate the following:
- Offer a back up choice that is similar to the preferred garment, but a little better. Find denim shorts that are a couple inches longer to exchange for the shorts that are way too small.
- Try to get a sibling or a preferred family member like a "cool aunt" to weigh in on the discussion.
- Discuss family values if your child's clothing causes you to be uncomfortable.
- If clothing is too small, try to understand the comfort in those clothes that your child continues to love to wear. The t-shirt holds memories, the jeans are soft, the sweatshirt has a hoodie which helps your child tune out too much sensory input. (Note that tight t-shirts and clothing often helps children with sensory needs feel more in control. Purchase compression shirts or shorts that are a little too small and have your child wear them under other clothing.)
- If you can, demonstrate why the article of clothing might need to be traded in for something else. Take a picture of your child in that too small sweatshirt, or try the article of clothing on so they can see what it looks like on someone else.
- If need be, find a compromise for when the article of clothing can be worn. For example, for a middle school child, the shirts with "Budweiser" on it can be worn to bed, but not out of the house.
- Try hard to be very supportive of purchasing properly fitted undergarments, swim suits, and socks. As my mom used to say, "Nothing's right when your underwear's too tight." Sometimes, our kids might not realize how it is actually so much more comfortable to wear clothing that fits properly!
If all else fails, perhaps try to understand that the garment of controversy may hold a deeper meaning that we may ever understand. Choose your clothing battles wisely. As long as your child is safe from harm, maybe all that matters is that they feel good.
Head of School
As always, do not hesitate to reach out if we can be of any help.
