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Use Neutral Language





Words Matter
  • "It was that one word he kept saying over and over."

  • "She kept poking at the wound with her words."

  • "The conflict would die down and then they would blame me another time and it would just flare up stronger."

Words matter. They particularly matter when there is a conflict. When mediators sit down to listen to disputants' stories, we often hear conflict accelerants such as; She always, or He is so stubborn, or They were being idiots. In these cases the mediators have a superpower they use. It's called reframing into neutral language .

Focus on the facts
The person is talking about something the other person does that they don't like. They start with she always , when talking about the other person. The mediator revises that statement back to the parties by saying something like:

  • Sally has noted a pattern of ...(whatever the action is that is not liked).

Why is this important? The words she always, in this context adds fuel to the fire. The mediator, acting as the fire extinguisher, tamps down some of the heat and changes she always into Sally has noted a pattern. The mediator does this because the first phrase puts the recipient on the defensive, the second has the sound of a factual report.

Listen to your words
Do you accelerate conflicts with your words? When Richard had this pointed out to him he said, "What do you want me to do? Think about every word I say before I say it?"

Well, yes.

Some of us have never had to consider how our choice of words affect others. Now is a good time to do this. You or someone you know may think, 'well I am just plain spoken, I call things as I see them.' It is possible to be a straightforward speaker and still not make things worse.

Try Neutral Language
Try rephrasing what you start out wanting to say. Instead of You always do ... (whatever is not liked) rephrase it to I'm wondering if we can find a way together to avoid ....(whatever is not liked).

Here's some words to avoid, not because they are bad words, but because they keep the conflict building. The recipient interprets them as an attack and then they go on the defensive. People attacking and defending are not resolving conflicts, they are in a war.

  • you
  • but
  • always
  • never
  • should
  • must

I nstead of: Try:

  • Is that really relevant?
  • Ok. The point I hear you making...
  • What is your point?
  • Will you elaborate?
  • I don't think that will work...
  • Is this do-able?
  • If you're going to raise your voice I won't listen to you...
  • I have a hard time hearing what you are saying when you raise your voice.
  • I wasn't the one who...
  • Tell me more about that.
  • I'm not that way!
  • You're saying you experience me as...
  • Why are you making this such a big deal?
  • This seems really important to you.

Sounds like Kindergarten talk
Often when these ideas are raised, someone says. I can't say that, it sounds like the way they talk in kindergarten . It's sort of sad to hear this. Is it really true the only common space we treat each other carefully is when we are with young children? Hope not.

Don't use any language suggestions if they come across to you or others as superficial or condescending, that's for sure. If this is important to you, though, you can surely find a way to use more neutral language and improve your chances of resolving conflicts more quickly. Give it a try. Milk and cookies, nap time as well as talking kindly are good for everyone. So maybe the standard of kindergarten is a good place to start.

Do this:


  • Mediators' super power--reframing using neutral language: Reframe