Dear TBZ community:
My Baba and Zeide (as we called them), were high school classmates in the village of
Sapotskin
סאַפּעטקין in the Grodno region of Belarus. Separately, and alone, and as teenagers, they left their homes and families to escape WWII and death. Each traveled to South America, my Baba to Montevideo, Uruguay and my Zeide to Buenos Aires, Argentina. Both of their families stayed in Europe and perished in the Holocuast.
Together, my Baba and Zeide - Juan and Sofia - would lovingly share the story of how they found each other through a South American Yiddish newspaper that printed ads of people who were trying to find relatives or friends. So Juan crossed the La Plata river to Uruguay and found Sofia. They married, lived in Buenos Aires, and had four children. My mother was the eldest. Ultimately they made aliya and lived in Israel.
This past week was the yahrtzeit (anniversary of the death) of my grandparents, Juan and Sofia Wolynsky. They died just six days apart from each other 8 years ago.
Baba had passed away. I flew to Israel, where my uncles and aunt were sitting shiva for Baba. My sisters, my father, and cousins were there; the whole family was together, celebrating the life of our dear Baba. The morning I arrived, I visited my Zeide, who had been ill for a long time, but who had some understanding of what was happening. I kissed him, and sat with him.
Later that afternoon, on the 6th day of the shiva of my Baba, Zeide died.
We buried my Zeide next to my Baba and as painful as that moment was, it was perhaps one of the most sweet and romantic of moments too. Juan had waited for Sofia to die and for the whole family to be together, so he could die with her.
This week Torah portions are
Acharei-Mot and Kedoshim
. Acharei Mot means “after the death” and Kedoshim means “Holy”. It is interesting to read the first two verses of these two parshiot and connect them.
Parshat Acharei Mot begins with the following two verses:
Leviticus 16:1-2
וַיְדַבֵּ֤ר יְהוָה֙ אֶל־מֹשֶׁ֔ה
אַחֲרֵ֣י מ֔וֹת שְׁנֵ֖י בְּנֵ֣י אַהֲרֹ֑ן בְּקָרְבָתָ֥ם לִפְנֵי־יְהוָ֖ה וַיָּמֻֽתוּ׃
The LORD spoke to Moses after the death of the two sons of Aaron who died when they drew too close to the presence of the LORD.
וַ
יֹּ֨אמֶר יְהוָ֜ה אֶל־מֹשֶׁ֗ה
דַּבֵּר֮ אֶל־אַהֲרֹ֣ן אָחִיךָ֒ וְאַל־יָבֹ֤א בְכָל־עֵת֙ אֶל־הַקֹּ֔דֶשׁ מִבֵּ֖ית לַפָּרֹ֑כֶת אֶל־פְּנֵ֨י הַכַּפֹּ֜רֶת אֲשֶׁ֤ר עַל־הָאָרֹן֙ וְלֹ֣א יָמ֔וּת כִּ֚י בֶּֽעָנָ֔ן אֵרָאֶ֖ה עַל־הַכַּפֹּֽרֶת׃
The LORD said to Moses: Tell your brother Aaron that he is not to come at will into the Shrine behind the curtain, in front of the cover that is upon the ark, lest he die; for I appear in the cloud over the cover.
In Acharei-Mot twice it says
God spoke to Moses
. The first verse feels unnecessary. Many commentaries ask what the first verse is doing there. One of the explanations is that the first verse comes as a warning to Aaron, reminding him of the death of his children as he hears about the prohibition of not entering the
kodesh- kodashim
at will.
Parshat Kedoshim first two verses read:
Leviticus 18:1-2
וַיְדַבֵּ֥ר יְהוָ֖ה אֶל־מֹשֶׁ֥ה
לֵּאמֹֽר
The LORD spoke to Moses, saying:
דַּבֵּ֞ר אֶל־כָּל־עֲדַ֧ת בְּנֵי־יִשְׂרָאֵ֛ל וְאָמַרְתָּ֥ אֲלֵהֶ֖ם קְדֹשִׁ֣ים תִּהְי֑וּ כִּ֣י קָד֔וֹשׁ אֲנִ֖י יְהוָ֥ה אֱלֹהֵיכֶֽם׃
Speak to the whole Israelite community and say to them: You shall be holy, for I, the LORD your God, am holy.
Parshat Kedoshim's first two verses also begin with the sentence that God spoke to Moses, this time saying you should be Holy, you should live a life of Holiness. And the parsha follows with an array of mitzvot and teachings about what it means to live a life of holiness, including the mitzvah of loving our neighbor as ourselves.
Death and Life come together in these two parshiot. Aaron is reminded of the tragic death of his children and the pain of death, as he is commanded to continue his life of service as a Priest. And we, the community, are commanded to live a life of Holiness.
Life and death are not separated, they are intrinsically connected.
Last week in my shabbat N’kabla message I invited us to talk about death, I wrote:
But as hard as this is, I believe that It Is Time to Talk about Death. Last month there was an
opinion piece in the New York times
that spoke to this in a profound and beautiful way.
Sunita Puri
, MD wrote: “Talking about death is ultimately talking about life — about who and what matters to us, and how we can live well even when we are dying. Rather than being motivated by fear and anxiety, we can open these discussions from a place of care and concern.” In this piece, she encourages people to have conversations about death and death wishes, as a way to honor life and our loved ones. (You can read the full message of last week
HERE
).
I heard from many of you who were moved by and grateful for a message that acknowledged the fear, the anxiety, and the vulnerability of what we are experiencing, and that opened the door to a conversation about death -- even though we know that each one of us will die one day, during these times, that knowledge feels closer, realer, and more acute.
So, as hard as it is, I want to deepen the conversation I started last week with my message and invite us to talk about death. I want to create safe spaces to have this conversation and help us with resources and ideas and even programs for this to happen.
Last week I shared the resources of the
Conversation Project.
Today, I invite you to learn about
Death Over Dinner
. Death Over Dinner is a website that encourages people to have a conversation about death, with friends and loved ones over dinner. Why over dinner? As they say it:
“We have found that the dinner table is one of the most forgiving places for difficult conversations. The ritual of breaking bread slows us down, creates warmth and connection, and puts us in touch with our humanity”
Death Over Dinner also has a
Jewish Edition
. Michael Hebb and Rabbi Sharon Brous write about it:
This project was created as a gift, an invitation and a simple set of tools to help families and friends address the basic human fact that we are all, at some point, going to die. We suffer more when we don’t communicate our wishes, we suffer less when we know how to honor the wishes of our loved ones. As we build greater comfort and literacy around this important topic, every single one of us wins. We talked for hours about the desperate need to speak frankly and soulfully about death, and the great void in our lives when this conversation is left until it’s too late. We both agreed that Jewish resources on death and dying were not easy to come by, and it was all too rare to find opportunities to talk about Jewish approaches to end of life matters, Jewish tools to hold grief and the survival of the soul.
TBZ member
Katherine Gergen-Barnett
who is the Vice Chair of Primary Care Innovation and Transformation and the Program Director in the Department of Family Medicine at Boston Medical Center (BMC) and who is currently working on the Palliative Care Team of Boston Medical Center and I have been thinking and talking about how we can help our TBZ community to have these conversations.
Katherine and I are inviting anyone who would like to, to engage in small, and facilitated, group conversations about death. Though we will probably not be able to have these death conversations over dinner, we might plan them over zoom (Death Over Zoom!?). The dates for these conversations will be set once we hear back from you, the community. If you are interested in being part of these conversations please sign up
HERE
. Look for more information in the late Spring.
My grandparents taught me so much about life, love and joy in the midst of pain, death and loss and I want to honor their memory this week, continuing their legacy of honoring life. Acknowledging death may be scary, but as I wrote last week, we can give ourselves the profound gift of talking about death with clarity, calm and kindness, because when we talk about death, we talk about life - our lives, our values, our needs and fears, and our love.
May this Shabbat bring blessings to all of you and your loved ones.
May we find strength, courage, patience and open our heart with generosity.
May all those who are ill find healing.
May we have a joyful Shabbat!
