The man and a can of soda

Healing Light Center

Mattea Nicchitta

(805) 300-0930

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In my twenties I had a wonderful dear friend and spiritual mentor named Peggy who taught me about kindness and compassion. My first lesson was when she shared with me that she was helping her friend start a new church. At one of the services, as they passed around the collection basket, a homeless man who was there put an unopened can of soda in the basket as his offering. She went on to say that after the service, her friend took the can and tossed it in the wastebasket not realizing the significance of this gesture.

I have to admit, with all the wisdom of my twenties, I did not understand the significance of this soda can either and instead I reacted with judgment for the man until she explained. She said to me, “this man gave the one thing that sustains him while he’s on the streets and he gave it away as a sign of gratitude.” Ah… at that moment I could see that my judgement clouded me from seeing more deeply at the situation. Once I really understood, empathy arose in me. This is the same as when someone doesn't have money to give but they give in other ways and for this man all he had to give was his can of soda, so that is what he gave. This story has stayed with me till today, forty years later.

Recently, I had an experience that brought me back to this story. I was speaking to another therapist who was telling me she is now doing faith healing. As I listened, the woman became abrasive and had an air of superiority about her, telling me her healings are far more superior than mine or anyone else’s healing. Needless to say, the conversation was uncomfortable for me and even after we finished talking it stayed with me for several days like molasses in my mouth, sticky and gooey and taking a long time to melt away.

“… behind any kind of tension, there is always a soft spot we are trying to protect. Someone’s actions hurt our feelings and before we can even notice what we’re doing, we armor ourselves in a very old and familiar way. So we can either let go of our solid story line and connect with that soft spot or we can continue to stubbornly hold on, which means that the suffering will continue.“

Practicing Peace in Times of War, Pema Chodron

A few days after this encounter, the conversation was still in my head and what came up was agitation, judgment and much more. It took me a while to look deeper into this situation and after some self-inquiry, I realized her pride was the same pride I’ve expressed in the past; her superiority and abrasiveness is something I’ve also expressed in the past. I too have done the same thing. At that moment I realized there really was no difference between this woman and me. I too have expressed the same emotional attitudes and shared them with others. As much as I would like to think I’m not like this woman, the fact is there were more similarity than differences between us.

This process is called “equanimity” in a mindfulness practice. Recognizing that everyone experiences similar emotional pain, i.e., pride, fear, anger, jealousy, guilty, shame, etc. We may not be experiencing the same emotions at the same time but at some point, or another, we all experience the same emotions. Coming to that understanding totally freed me of any judgment and frustrations I was experiencing.

The thing about habits is that they can be stubborn to let go of especially the habit of judgment, but it is the practice of replacing judgment with understanding, tolerance, acceptance and finally kindness that true inner peace and outer peace can happen.

This week, observe when you judge another person and challenge yourself using the process above to help you shift from judging to understanding and then to kindness.

Massage Day, it is my favorite day of the week

“ Equanimity is characterized by steadiness of mind under stress. It is the quality of being calm and even-tempered; it is a balanced state of mind distinguished by the lack of strong attachments.”

Healing Light Center

Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

mattea@verizon.net

Healinglightcenter.net

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(805) 300-0930

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