How have couples weathered the pandemic?
If you have struggled, you are not alone. Recent studies show that 34 percent of couples report experiencing increased tension in the relationship during the pandemic. Whether you've been together for months or years, everything that COVID-19 has brought with it may have taken a toll on your connection with your partner.
Over the past year, couples everywhere, including military couples, are feeling stress and anxiety. Some are locked down together, while others are apart. Living through a global pandemic with no clear end in sight, and dealing with fears about health, finances, family, and the future of our country, can have tensions at home running higher than usual. For military families this can include the added stress of deployment or a permanent change of station (PCS) move while trying to cope with the stress and restrictions of the pandemic.
Relationships take constant work. When you throw together a crisis, job stresses, one or more people working from home, financial struggles, juggling childcare, and virtual school, even the most resilient couples find themselves struggling to connect. Couples who have always gotten along well may now feel that too much “together time” has impacted their happiness in the relationship.
To help you get through this Valentine season, here are a few tips we’d like to share.
Express Appreciation
Being together constantly can create a situation where we magnify the small annoyances (“Why is there dirty laundry on the floor?!”) and overlook the good qualities and actions of our partners. Make a point every day to express directly to your partner appreciation for who they are and what they do. It can be something small – running out to pick up groceries, buying a favorite ice cream, or maybe a 5-minute backrub. Whatever it is, be sure to express gratitude for your partner in your life.
Create Love
Ask your partner each day: “How can I make you feel loved today?” That might mean giving your partner a few hours of down time for self-care. It might mean taking a walk together, finishing a household project, having a conversation about the day, or special time in the bedroom. The idea is to open the door for communication. This daily ritual creates a lasting connection for couples and can be done even when you are separated by a PCS or overwhelmed by the demands of work and household.
Focus on Small Gestures
During tough times, money can get tight and overspending on non-essentials is not a smart idea. To show your partner that you love your relationship, even if you are saying it less these days, try sending a text message saying: I love you or wishing you a wonderful day! Arrange to pick up dinner on more hectic days. Go for a long walk together without any plans – just walk. Couples who check in on each other and the emotional well-being of their partner have deeper connections and stronger relationships.
Make Positive Requests
A challenge for couples under stress is learning to express their needs positively. That is: ask for what you want rather than saying what you don’t want. For instance, if the house is noisy when you come home with a headache say: “I need it to be quiet. Can you please turn off the television?” This response is a positive action rather than “Stop being so noisy!” When we feel overwhelmed, we can focus on what is wrong. Consider your needs and requests before you make them and work to frame them as a positive action.
Listen First
Make time daily to spend 10-minutes or so sharing with each other about the events of the day. The goal is to listen and understand your partner’s life. You don’t have to agree about their opinion or actions. You don’t even have to fix problems for them. This is your chance to have their back and be a friend to your partner. Just by listening you are strengthening the relationship. Although it is tempting to go into problem solving mode, always ask first if your partner wants feedback or just support.