How tired are you? It’s been a consistent theme in my work with caregivers this spring. In addition to the exhaustion, there is palpable discomfort and collective grief, a sense of “it’s always something” as one care partner shared, or, “what will be next?” as an echo. What has us feeling helpless now threatens to evoke a shared and prolonged sense of hopelessness. This is scary for a society and for us as individuals, and something we need to monitor closely. This sense of dis-ease continues to drain our energy and can establish a dangerous precedent for pushing through fatigue and weariness when the messages from our bodies signal how imperative it is to rest. If not immediately possible for extended time, something like the Gottman Institute promotes for gestures of care in a partnership: small acts and often. The events happening at large can greatly impact our wellbeing and they are also not an accurate mirror for what is happening in our personal lives and how we individually and uniquely experience the present moment. If we are not vigilant about the difference, we are more likely to become overwhelmed by both.
Fatigue has been normalized in our culture and a weariness which can take up residence in our body when we no longer experience our world as safe, predictable and calm. While the larger world burns on around us, experiencing a foundation of most things remaining stable in our personal lives is part of the cushion in being able to tolerate so much uncertainty. This includes reasonable predictability and certainty in our cherished relationships (while still enjoying spontaneity), a sense of safety in our home life (while feeling secure to leave it) and in the environments and locations we frequent and enjoy (without worrying about bodily harm). As a clinical social worker, I am adamantly opposed to a common form of gas-lighting to suggest things are okay or that everything is going to be all the time. Maybe they aren’t and perhaps, they won’t be. Maybe they will. It is far more authentic and compassionate to affirm how it is not okay right now. However, our capacity to meet what is not okay can grow significantly, become enriched and even strengthened in the midst of all that is chaotic and disappointing in our unpredictable world. How we do this is critical, as are the ways we can encourage one another to enforce this in our own lives. The only reasonable response to the presence of exhaustion and harm is rest. If your first thought is, “Yeah, right. When!?”, may I gently suggest 1). You are not alone, 2). You, like most of us, are tired and conditioned to resist resting, and 3). You may require more support to get what you need.
After traveling this past weekend to another town, a rather small and coastal one, it struck me just how many options for coffee there were. A coffee shop on nearly every corner… and then imagining this normalized across the country in every town (something that was not prevalent in my youth). Without getting into the weeds of the cultural underpinnings of productivity and worship of alertness and busyness, I’m more interested here in what this means for everyone caring for other people in addition to caring for themselves, their families and in many instances, while also working. All of the implicit and explicit messages to fill our lives with distractions and caffeine (both of which I have personally enjoyed as well!) and to carry on as if sustained fatigue is normal. In another exchange with a caregiver who generously shared her struggles with mental health, we discussed the meaning and reinterpretation of depression or feeling depressed as deep-rest; a call from our body and mind to honor rest and recalibration.
As Oren Jay Sofer suggests, how do we step outside the frenzy of activity and begin to reclaim our right to rest? Beyond sleep and taking breaks, true rest includes so much more. Deliberate and practiced regularly, just imagine an approach to rest as important as honoring a doctor’s visit or a long awaited concert ticket. This would be a radical stance against a relentless call to ignore our needs. After all, when we are tired, the most basic and natural response is to rest.
It is about our capacity to slow down and receive nourishment, to stop and appreciate when a task is complete, and ultimately to touch our own innate value, dignity and self-worth as creatures on this planet. Life may not always offer the conditions to rest in the ways we long for. A nap or afternoon in the park would be delightful, but raising kids, working two jobs, caregiving for others compete for our time and energy. Nonetheless, we can all learn to touch the stillness of being for even short moments.
~ Oren Jay Sofer
As we turn the page on spring and enter summer, there is a new opportunity to prioritize health and wellbeing and more hours of sunlight to enjoy. I hope you will consider where you may need more support and practice in securing the rest you need, the play you deserve and the quality of care you provide for others, for yourself. Here are three resources to help you begin again:
