• Disturbing statistics on financial infidelity

• Positive relationships with parents dimmish the risk for alcohol abuse among teens

• The most common phrase successful couples use, according to researchers

• Narcissists capitalize on self-punitive schemas to manipulate others 

Please check out the library of available blog articles and podcast recordings.

• Vertical Splitting



• "Settling"

The Men's Group Seminar: The Psychology of Complaining

In an intriguing episode of the Hidden Brain podcast series, the psychology of complaining is pursued in interviews with researchers Michael Baer and Robin Kowalski. At a basic level, complaining is a relatively common form of “venting” among colleagues and friends and usually comes with an implicit invitation to whomever is listening to commiserate, i.e., the goal of complaining is to gain support from and validation by others. Kowalski’s research distinguishes “expressive” from “instrumental” complaining. While instrumental complaining centers on finding a solution or solving the problem one is complaining about, expressive complaining is so much more enticing and prevalent because it feels good and may even be cathartic. Yet, Baer’s studies on the topic unveil the deeper complexities of complaining. In several studies on perceptions of unfairness in the workplace, including one study of London bus drivers dissatisfied with their supervisors, Baer and his colleagues found that those who tend to complain are frequently more angry, less hopeful, and less likely to forgive. Furthermore, complainers frequently distance themselves from acts of workplace “citizenship” (e.g., volunteering, going over and above one’s role, etc.) and are perceived less favorably by others, including colleagues and supervisors. Baer suggests that although complaining has an immediate short-term emotional benefit (venting), the long-term consequences appear less favorable. He endorses the value of empathizing with the one who is complaining, but he suggests a more productive stance (on the part of the listener): attempt to reframe the complaint so that a new perspective on the problem can be introduced and acted upon. In the next virtual meeting of the Men’s Group Seminar on Saturday, February 4, 2023 (10:15 to 11:30 AM), we will discuss this Hidden Brain episode. Taxonomies of complaints, strategies for responding to chronic complainers, and applications of this material to the workplace will be considered. 

To register for this upcoming virtual seminar, please see the directions below.

The Relationship Group Seminar: Could This Be "the One"? On Becoming Exclusive, Assessing Compatibility, and Maximizing Long-Term Viability

The choice to become exclusive and shift into a committed relationship is ideally the natural progression of a budding relationship with few if any “red flags.” Realistically, however, the decision to invest in a partner for the long-term is highly personal and complex, frequently tinged with ambivalence and uncertainty, and often made on a gut level, i.e., by trusting one’s instinct. Unfortunately, scientific research identifies numerous problems with instinctual decision-making, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Individual bias, unresolved psychological and emotional issues from prior relationships, overlooking or denying inevitable areas of conflict, and unexpressed or ambiguous communications about personal needs and life goals are just a few of the factors that may set relationship partners down a trajectory of conflict, unfulfillment, and, potentially, break-up. The question arises, then: how does one apply rational analysis to the deeply personal and emotionally laden inflexion point of committing to a partner or moving on? This is a common issue for clients in my clinical practice, especially those who have had previous long-term relationships that have ended. 

In the next virtual meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, February 4, 2023 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will explore the factors involved when deciding to form a committed relationship with a partner. Nuanced differences in how exclusivity is defined and approached will be discussed. We will also consider opposing perspectives on the notion of compatibility: some believe that the four distinct zones of compatibility are essential for long-term relationship success while others argue that compatibility is merely an illusion that has little to do with long-term love. Next, the subject of partner selection will be broached, with an emphasis on the compatibility and filtering processes proposed by “tie-up theory.” Finally, we will unpack the viewpoint of one couples therapist who emphasizes that the primary issue is not so much who we love, but how we love.  

To register for this upcoming virtual seminar, please see the directions below.

Newly-Forming Psychodynamic Psychotherapy Group

A new psychodynamic psychotherapy group (for women and men) is currently forming in my practice. Referrals are welcomed (please contact me at 949-338-4388 or at jt@jamestobinphd.com). This therapy group will utilize the emerging dynamics among group members as a basis from which to examine characteristic ways of thinking, feeling, and relating to others. This group will be a therapeutic experience and entry occurs only after a pre-group screening interview and preparation phase. As of now, the time and location of this new group are TBD.