Vayechi- Marriage
For this year of Parsha Lesson, I will be focusing on one area of character growth, to think about in the week ahead and the benefits that a person would have from becoming better in that area.
Background
At the beginning of this week’s parsha Yakov asked Yosef to make sure that after he, Yakov, dies, that he is buried in Eretz Yisroel (Israel). Specifically, Yakov wanted to ensure that he was buried in the Meoras Hamachpeila, which was the burial place of Avraham and Sarah, Yitzchak and Rivka and where Yakov had buried Leah.
Yakov then goes on to explain to Yosef, who was the son of Rachel, why it is that he did not bury Rachel in the Meoras Hamchpeila, nor even in the town of Beis Lechem (Bethelehem). The reason was because Yakov knew by way of prophecy that Rachel was to still play an important role in the history of the Jewish nation.
After the destruction of the First Beis Hamikdash, at a time when the Jewish people had sunk to a low point spiritually, Hashem was not ready to bring the Jewish people back to their previous stature and grandeur- ever. It was Rachel who interceded, with such powerful feeling, upon seeing her children passing by her burial place while en route to captivity in Bavel (Iraq) that changed the decree. Rachel was instrumental in obtaining Hashem’s guarantee that the Jewish people would return to their stature.
In recounting to Yosef this episode, Yakov tells Yosef that ‘Rachel died from me.’ The Seforno picks up on this odd way of communicating this and shares an idea, discussed in the Gemara, which is that ‘a woman is dead only to her husband. A man is dead only to his wife.’ While many people are sad when someone dies, the person who it impacts far far more than anyone else is their spouse.
Question
While this concept may be true by regular people in other situations, to apply this to Yakov seems to be a stretch. First of all, Yakov had 3 other wives! The loneliness and emptiness that may exist by others did not apply the same way to Yakov. Second of all, there were two other people who, it would seem, were more profoundly impacted than Yakov and they are: Yosef and Binyamin, Rachel’s sons.
Yosef, at the time of Rachel’s death, was only around 8 years old. Binyamin was a newborn! Rachel died while giving birth to Binyamin. So how could it be that Yakov could say that Rachel’s death was most difficult for me, particularly while talking to Yosef!?
Answer
Yakov here is teaching us a further insight and deeper understanding of the relationship between a husband and wife. While it is true that a husband and wife are roommates and helpmates and for a person that does not have any other people in their lives, their spouse’s loss will bring along particularly difficult loneliness. But a husband and wife can also be much more than that.
A husband and wife are two parts of one neshama. When a husband and wife bond and have shared goals, aspirations and mission- albeit with different roles- they can manifest the potential greatness of what a marriage can be. When this happens there is a profound sense of oneness and self that each spouse has for the other.
One’s spouse’s challenges are now the other’s challenges as well; one’s spouse’s pain is now the other’s pain as well. The fact that there were other people to fill in Yakov’s loneliness, the fact that there were others who were reliant on Rachel for certain needs, these would not rival the feeling of a part of Yakov himself actually dying.
Lesson
Hashem intended for a husband and wife to be this higher, more profound and more unique entity than any other relationship. A husband and wife can be two people that are living one life together. Like the great tzaddik R’ Aryeh Levine famously told his wife’s doctor when his wife’s foot was hurting ‘doctor, our foot is hurting.’
Benefits of this…
When one has this perspective of a husband and wife being two parts of the same soul, two people to whom Hashem has given life to live together- a person will have a completely different perspective and attitude about one’s spouse specifically and marriage in general.
A couple’s combined talents, abilities, challenges, etc. are that which Hashem gave to these two people to work on and face life with. Just as it is important for a person to accept themselves, regardless of certain things that are not objectively great about us personally, similarly do we need to accept our spouse- regardless of certain things that are not objectively so great about them. These specific challenges and life’s path are the ones which Hashem has laid out for you.
Where does this lead to? When a couple can try to serve Hashem in as proper a way as possible, with the challenges and obstacles that Hashem has placed before them- while at the same time giving and helping each other with their individual needs- life will be imbued with meaning, responsibility and satisfaction that is incomparable. For life truly is better with our ‘better half.’
Wishing everyone a wonderful Shabbos!
