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The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it. John 1:5
As someone who lives with depression, especially Seasonal Affected Disorder (SAD), I wait in anticipation for December 22nd, the day after the winter solstice, the longest night of the year. I long for the light and sun, like a turtle warming in the sun on a log. As such, I have been drawn to the introduction of John’s Gospel, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.” The light and love of Jesus overcomes depression, grief, despair, and eventually even death.
The scripture in John’s Gospel that I am drawn to can also be problematic. It has led me to ascribe qualities of “good” verses “bad” to light and dark. This dualism is challenged in the beautiful children’s book, God’s Holy Darkness, written by Sharei Green and Beckah Selnick. The book lifts up bible stories that take place in and celebrate God’s holy, beautiful, and good darkness. “From the promise of peace made to the shepherds at night to the promise of Jesus made on the cross, these are the beautiful works of God’s holy darkness.” Darkness can express difficult seasons of our lives AND darkness can express times of healing, safety, and holy love. “I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed” (Psalm 57:1). On the other hand, light can be painful, exposing our sins and difficult truth. “For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed” (John 3:20) Darkness isn’t the problem, designating it as only bad is.
When I was first diagnosed with depression while I was in seminary, I made excuses to avoid my friends because I didn’t want to bring them down and I didn’t think they would want to be with me. I have come to learn through therapy that my worth is not contingent on how I feel or how I express myself. Exuberance, sullenness, and indifference are all authentic expressions of who I am. I am worthy. You, too, are worthy. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of acceptance. You are worthy of God’s promise of life.
This year, I find myself being drawn not to the light, but to the beauty and mystery of the dark. I wait in anticipation for the peace and solemnity of the winter solstice as a holy space apart from the hustle of Christmas.
Where ever you find yourself this year, longing for the dawn to rise or waiting for dusk to fall, you are welcome to join us at Redeemer on winter solstice for Blue Christmas, a worship service of night prayer at 7 pm this Wednesday (December 21), or stream it here.
May the light of Christ and the dark mystery of his love embrace you this season.
Yours in Christ,
Pastor Jenny McLellan
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