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A lot of things have been reinforced to me over these past 11 months since my daughter’s death (8/31/23) and my mom’s (11/7/23) and my son-in-law’s (4/21/24). One of the biggest is the absolute necessity of humility.
My wife and I are trying to forge our way through mountains of grief. Grief that, many days, hits like a hammer. One thing we’ve noticed is our disorientation to life. There’s been a fog and a haze hanging in our midst that’s been clouding our judgement and our sense of order. Forgetfulness, sudden sadness, frustration with each other, lack of desire, confusion, disagreement, insensitivity…it’s a long list.
When we sit down every evening and have wine-time, an uninterrupted thirty minutes from 6:30-7:00 every weekday evening, we each have a glass of wine and just talk. We talk about life and dreams and hope and sorrow and the future…and the past. It’s a treasured time.
Lately our conversations have been a reflection on how grief has embedded itself into our hearts and made us people we’ve never been before. A competent married couple suddenly in a fog and haze, forgetting dates and wondering why we keep misplacing things and trying to run faster than the darkness to avoid it. We wonder out loud about how we each struggle with our sorrow differently, but in a strange way, much the same.
One thing we’re certain of, we have to fight for love more than ever. It’d be easy to just get angry, blame, avoid, become silent, withdraw. But we know those low-hanging fruits are easy and never productive or healthy. So…our resolve has been to fight for love.
When Jesus said, “Blessed (Flourishing) are the poor in spirit”, I know He means to be dependent on Him. I think of how my spirit is often hanging out in the middle-class; I need Him when I need Him, but not all the time. That’s being middle-class in spirit. I’m competent and strong enough to not need Jesus … until I do. What Jesus is saying is to be poor in spirit, always. To always know that I need Him and depend on Him and want Him.
For me, that can be a fight. A fight against my pride and independence. A fight against my rights and opinions and feelings. Poor in spirit is having the humility to know that without Jesus I’m a wreck. I’m lost and drifting in a sea of darkness. So, fight I must. I fight against pride. I fight against independence. I fight against apathy. I fight for love.
To be flourishing, in the middle of grief, or anger, or frustration, or hopelessness…is to be poor in spirit. To humbly know I need Jesus, always. To fight to love my wife and my neighbor…and my enemy. It’s easier to get defensive and be a victim. But the way to blessed life, a flourishing life, is poor in spirit.
I find myself saying out loud, “I am going to love, no matter what.” . “I’m going to forgive and cherish and admit wrong and strive for peace, no matter what.” I am going to crave being poor in spirit with all of my muscle and fiber. And then, in the end, I will flourish. My marriage will flourish. My family will flourish. My heart will flourish. Because I’m letting humility, poverty of spirit, latch me to Jesus, my strength and hope and life.
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